Episode 119: You Are Not Your To-Do List
ITUNES | SPOTIFY
When's the last time someone asked, "What's new with you?" and the honest answer was... nothing? Just more tasks. More logistics. More chores.
I've been noticing this in my own life lately - how conversations with my husband have turned into status updates. How "how was your day" gets answered with a list of what got done instead of what I actually thought or felt or laughed about. And I know I'm not the only one.
In this episode, I'm talking about what happens when working moms slowly stop being a full person and start being project managers. I share a story about a former coaching client whose "article night" with her husband brought back a part of her she'd almost forgotten existed, plus a few small, doable shifts you can make this week to remember there's a human under that to-do list.
In this episode:
Why your to-do list was never meant to be your whole identity
A simple weekly practice for reconnecting with your partner beyond logistics
Three small ways to make space for the "you" outside of your tasks
Links and resources mentioned in this episode:
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You are listening to the Life Coach for Working Moms podcast, the show where we are talking about what it actually takes to make life work as a working mom. I'm your host, Katelyn Denning, a full time working mom of three and a certified life and executive coach. I'm so glad you're here and I hope you enjoy this week's episode. Hello, hello. Welcome back to another episode of the podcast. I'm so excited to be with you this week. I have to know, when was the last time someone asked you, "What's new with you?" And you genuinely didn't know how to answer because the honest answer was what's new with you is just more tasks, more projects, more chores, always more to do. Or maybe what's new with you is not actually new because you're always feeling behind I have been feeling and noticing that in myself lately, and I think we all go through seasons of life where there is not much else that happens outside of the daily grind. I notice this too sometimes at the end of the day, talking to your partner about a rundown of the day, and it is simply a list of what got done and what didn't, instead of actually sharing something that happened to you or something that you were thinking about Back in episode 110 of the podcast with Rachel Greiman, my guest in that episode, where she talked about asking our kids better questions at the end of their day when we pick them up. Instead of saying " How was school today?" And they say, "Fine," or they say, "Good." We wanna hear more. We want more detail. We want more of the experience. We want more of them in the answer. But how many days would that also be your answer if someone said, "How was your day?" "Busy. It was good. Gosh, I had so much to do." Maybe you are also realizing that you haven't talked about anything beyond your to-do list in days or weeks or more Not what you're excited about, what you're pondering in life, what you're worried about, just the list. I see it so often, somewhere between being mom and manager of the household, you stop being a full person to the people around you, instead you are just the project manager Not because you chose that intentionally, but because the list is loud and everything else is quiet The list is what takes up the majority of your mental space. Because the reality is every waking hour gets assigned to a task. If it's not work, it's kids, it's the house, it's errands. And the parts of you that aren't a task, your curiosity, your humor, your opinions, your hobbies, the version of you that has actual feelings about things, that gets pushed to later, and we rarely have time for later Sometimes this shows up as narrating your life in checklist language, even in your own head, right? We say to ourselves, "I did the thing. Now I need to do the other thing." Conversations with your partner become status updates back and forth. Even chats with your friends, I catch myself doing this. It's about what's on your list, what's going on this week in terms of what you have to get done and what events you have You might really feel this when someone asks you the rare question of, "What are you excited about?" Or, "What do you think about something that's outside of your family and work orbit?" And you completely blank Not because you don't have thoughts or opinions. I'm certainly not trying to say that you aren't, , an intelligent person with a rich inner world or who has opinions and ideas and interests, but it just can go for these stretches of time Where we are out of the practice of thinking about anything beyond our calendar and our to-do list Our to-do lists, while so helpful and I am a huge advocate for having, it was never supposed to be the whole story of you. It is okay to have a list. It's when the list becomes the only thing that you do. It becomes the only voice that you hear. If you were to think about a job description, your own or the last time you applied for a job, right? It has a list of duties, responsibilities, expectations, but nobody would say that the job description is the employee Somewhere along the way, working moms start to treat their own internal job description, feed the kids, run the house, hit deadlines, as their whole identity When it was only ever supposed to describe what they do, not who they are I had a client years ago Who had tons of hobbies before she had kids. She dabbled in lots of different creative pursuits and just enjoyed exploring her interests and changing her interests. And when we worked together, she realized that it had been months since she had done anything along those lines. She was on the hamster wheel of living and thinking only about her to-do list, and that version of her that had interests and could answer, "What do you do for fun?" felt so far removed And I think one of the biggest indicators for her, of course, it was something that we noticed in session together, but in her everyday life was how the conversations with her husband had turned into solely conversations about logistics, about the chores, about the tasks, about who had made that call or paid that bill or taken care of that home maintenance item and who was doing pickup and did you get this thing at the store? Did you place this order? And she missed that part of her relationship where they would actually talk about ideas and feelings and dreams and concerns beyond just their to-do list. And so she had this brilliant idea, this is fully hers, to have an article night with her husband. I can't remember if they ended up doing it weekly. If I were coaching you today, I would say once a month would be fine as a starting point, maybe every other week. But they would take turns choosing an article that they had come across in an online publication or a print, doesn't matter, that they thought was interesting, right? A lot of these pieces are meant to be a little bit controversial or to make you think more deeply about a particular topic or issue. And so they would print out the article and both read it together. You know, these articles, that's the benefit of this. It's not, , an entire book. It's not even an entire podcast episode. It's just, you know, a multi-page article. And then they would discuss it, what they thought about it, what questions it brought up in them, what they didn't like about it, what they agreed with and what they disagreed with. And the whole exercise could really be done in a half an hour if you wanted it to. Could certainly stretch it much longer. But it brought back that part of her that did love conversation, that liked to be challenged, that wanted to think about things that we don't normally think about in our day-to-day lives that have to do with bedtimes and our health and the meals that we're making and the deadlines that we have to hit at work And that small shift that she did in her own home without spending any money after the kids went to bed helped her feel more connected to herself, to that part of her that was a very curious and exploratory person. And it can be something so small, one change that can remind you of what it feels like to be a person outside of your to-do list Now maybe that article idea doesn't resonate with you. That does not sound like something that you would love to explore. That's fine. It's just one example. But if you are sitting there thinking I feel a little called out by this. I have fallen victim to living my life as a to-do list, To unintentionally, or really without my knowledge, making my to-do list who I am. And I do wanna be a person outside of the things that I have to do each day. Well, here are a couple of quick ideas. If you were to want to make a small shift, this is where I would have you start. One idea would be to put one non-task thing on your calendar in the next couple of weeks. The same way that you would schedule a dentist appointment or a haircut, put something like an hour to work on a hobby that you haven't touched in a long time 30 minutes to call a friend and challenge yourself to talk about something beyond just kids and logistics and what you have done lately Put a half hour on your calendar to read for pleasure, a book, an article. Research something that's of interest to you. If it's not scheduled, it will be harder to remember to do these things. So put it on the calendar and choose just anything. It doesn't matter. There is no right choice. Choose something that is not a task and schedule it Another idea is to catch yourself when you go into what I would call checklist narration, when you are just telling someone, "These are all of the things I have done lately." when someone asks you, "How's it going?" And you wanna reply with a status update pause and maybe just add on to it one sentence that isn't about your output. Maybe it's something that you thought about lately, something that you laughed at, something that you noticed that you've been pondering this is an aside, but I may have shared before that I've started writing long-form letters to my college roommate. We were inspired by the book The Correspondent, which if you have not read it, I highly recommend. Maybe you can put that on your calendar. And I am noticing how when I challenge myself to not just share recent events that my kids have done or that I have done, and to dig into story and what I am thinking about or grappling with in my life, it makes me not just feel closer to her, which I do, but it also reminds me and excites me that I still have that part of me that has bigger thoughts outside of a checklist So catch yourself in that tendency to just narrate your checklist and add in something that is not about your output and my last idea for you would be can you ask yourself the questions that no one is asking you? What are you excited about lately? What have you been curious about? If you don't have an answer, that's okay. It's not that you failed. It's potentially a data point. It's potentially an indicator that maybe you are due to explore a little bit, to think about something more deeply than just what are we gonna have for dinner tonight? I love project management. I love plans and to-do lists and all of those systems that allow us to manage the many responsibilities that we have in our lives as working moms But I also see those as tools that we can use to create space in our days for being human, for pursuing things that bring us joy or help us relax or connect us to the other people in our lives. And I know that a lot of my listeners are very driven individuals. They have goals. They want to be efficient and productive. And I want that for you, too. I definitely want you to be as efficient as possible, but I want that for you so that you can have the space to play in your life, to, again, do the things that make us more than just our to-do lists If that is what you ultimately want too, the systems and the tools and the practices to manage your time intentionally and efficiently so that you can have the space to feel like yourself, then I would encourage you to consider doing the work to make that change. There are two ways that I can support you in that change, in that work. The first is through my small group coaching program called Beyond Balance. It is all about time management. That will open up again in the fall. So if you're interested in learning more about that, you can go to themothernurture.com/beyond-balance. You can answer a few quick questions to get added to the wait list, and again, that group will open up this fall. And if you are looking for more immediate support, I am currently accepting new one-on-one coaching clients And all of the information about that program you can find over at themothernurture.com/application where you can answer again a few questions to find out if you would be a good fit for that program I hope that in the coming weeks you make some space For the you that exists beyond your to-do list. And until the next episode, I hope you take care, and I'll talk to you soon Thank you for listening and as always, for being a part of this working mom community. You can find everything related to this episode in the show notes at themothernurture.com/podcast, you can also find information about how I support working moms just like you through one-on-one, and group coaching, as well as access a number of resources and articles all on my website at themothernurture.com. I will see you again next week for another episode of the podcast.
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