Episode 118: Sleep vs. 'Me Time': The Trade Working Moms Don't Want to Make

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It's the debate all working moms have with themselves - do I go to bed on time or do I stay up to finally have some time to myself?

This week I'm talking about the thing that comes up in coaching almost every single week: sleep. Not because it's exciting or Instagram-worthy self-care, but because it might be the most underrated productivity tool we have.

I get into why I used to think protecting my evening "me time" was sacred, the real cost of staying up late (hello, snapping at your partner over nothing), the phone-battery analogy that finally made this click for me, and how a longtime coaching client rebuilt her sleep habits this summer with just a couple of small, boring shifts. Plus, three simple things you can test this week if you're ready to treat your bedtime like the productivity tool it actually is.

If you've ever told yourself "I'll go to bed early tomorrow" and then stayed up anyway, this one's for you.

Links and resources mentioned in this episode:

•  Episode 112 - What to Do the First 3 Days Back from Vacation (so you don't spiral)

• Join the Beyond Balance waitlist! Enrollment opening again this fall.

• Want coaching now? I am accepting 1:1 clients. Click to apply.

• + Click here to read the full episode transcript

  You are listening to the Life Coach for Working Moms podcast, the show where we are talking about what it actually takes to make life work as a working mom. I'm your host, Katelyn Denning, a full time working mom of three and a certified life and executive coach. I'm so glad you're here and I hope you enjoy this week's episode.   Hello, hello. Welcome back to another episode of the podcast. I am recording this on a Monday that feels like a Monday. I am back at home this week after traveling last week, and thankfully I spent a little bit of time gathering my thoughts and putting my plan in place for this week, so I was able to sit down and get right into work Which I'm sure you experience also, coming back after some time away, it takes a little bit of time to get your brain back into work mode or back into regular routine mode. If you are taking any trips yet this summer, definitely check out episode 112 of the podcast that is all about what to do those first three days when you come back from travel or vacation or any sort of break so that you don't spiral. The exact steps that I put into place re-entering into my everyday life here right now, but I, I do have to say I am feeling tired today. I gave up coffee a couple of years ago, but occasionally I have a, a cup here and there. It just smells so good. And , I definitely contemplated this morning heading downstairs, pulling out the French press, and making myself some coffee because I stayed up too late the last couple of nights. And looking back on it, it makes so much sense as to why I did that, and I wanna get into today's episode actually about sleep because this was a personal reminder for me about, why sleep is so important And it's a topic that comes up in coaching nearly every week. New clients who are feeling so tired and like they don't have good sleep hygiene or sleep habits, Clients who have done really well with getting their sleep habits in place and then hit a really busy season and suddenly they're up until the middle of the night every night and walking around surviving solely on caffeine. It is an area of our life that impacts every other area of our life And I think it is one of the most underrated productivity tools that we have at our disposal So I'm curious when this last happened to you. Like I said, for me, it's been the last couple of nights where I stayed up one night working on a task on my computer and then last night I stayed up too late reading a really cute rom-com. But what about you? Maybe you are like me and you're up late reading a really good book. Maybe you are watching a show that you just get hooked on, and that next episode plays automatically so sure, why not just watch one more? Or what I hear most frequently is that you are up late scrolling. We lose track of all time watching video after video, scrolling picture after picture and suddenly it's hours past our intended bedtime And I wonder, how did you feel the next morning? How did you feel the next day Probably foggy, have that brain fog, harder to focus and do the things that we set out to do in our day. Perhaps feeling short-tempered. When you're tired, most things are quick to make you angry or agitated. Maybe you're dragging through the morning, through the day, through the evening. I don't know about you, but I am much more easily distractible and I'm also hungrier the day after I don't get good sleep It has this domino effect through so many things. And what I see happen is because we find it harder to focus, to get through our days, to do the things that we know we need to do, I will see so many women then stay up late to catch up on the things they couldn't get to during the day, and then the cycle repeats itself over and over again Well, I know that I used to think that protecting my evening time, time for me to get something done or time to just do whatever it was that I wanted, that protecting that time was non-negotiable But I think for most of us We are protecting the wrong non-negotiable thing It makes sense why we would want to protect that me time. It feels so sacred for working parents because it is often almost, I, I almost want to say it, it is the only unscheduled, unclaimed hour or time of our days After the kids go to bed, this is the first moment all day that is just yours I am not usually one to stay up late. I am pretty good about prioritizing my sleep. I tend to have more of my me time in the early morning when I wake up before everyone else, though it was not always that way. I had a couple of really, really early risers, , when my kids were younger. But after traveling last week where it was just me and the kids, we were visiting my parents. I was with them all day every day for five days. And I told myself that I needed those evening hours to just be by myself. I needed the quiet. I wanted my books. I wanted to catch up on some things that I wasn't able to do while I was away from home And it's that line of logic that keeps so many of you up too late. It's the thought, if I go to bed now, then I got zero time for me today. Because the rest of your time was for your kids, for your house, for your work, for the other people in your life, for your to-do list. And so if you just go to bed Where is there time for you in the day? That math feels true even when it's costing you more than it gives. That me time at the end of the day that forces you to stay up later to get less sleep costs, in most cases, more than it gives. Because that invisible bill does come due. You have to pay it. Usually in the next day when it costs you in work, productivity, not just the quantity of what you're able to do, but the quality of your work. Things feel more sluggish. It is harder to focus, or maybe you can for a little bit in the morning right after that big caffeine dump, but then it drops off, and by the afternoon you're needing even more, which then keeps you up, at least it does me, late into the night. It costs you in your patience and presence with your kids. I find on the days when I am tired or when I am running on a sleep deficit, I just wanna rush through things because I wanna get to that quiet time again. Because it's just too much. Answering their questions, managing their squabbles between siblings, getting the snacks and the food and all of the things ready, it's just harder when you are more tired. And a big one that I see a lot is snapping at the others around us. You probably don't do this with your colleagues, or at least I hope you don't. But who, who else do we snap at? We snap at our partner or we snap at our kids over small things that if we were more rested and more equipped to handle the conversation, it would be nothing And this me time narrative, this messaging that we hear a lot of times, it sounds really great, there's all of this self-care content out there telling us to protect our time, to do things for ourselves, to use that hour in the evening to recharge and refuel and do something that's just for you. And, and yes, I want you to have time and space for yourself. I believe that we are more than just parenting and working. But what these messages of self-care don't mention is which kind of time protection actually restores you. Does scrolling on your phone at the end of the night actually restore you? Sleep isn't the thing competing with your self-care. Sleep is the self-care. It's just the unglamorous kind. It is not as exciting or enticing as watching a great show or any other self-care thing that we would love to do. But it is often, as I'm learning very acutely in my life right now, the boring things that make the biggest difference I recently got a new phone. It's been years, and my battery was dying so quickly I basically had to live plugged into an outlet all day long, It gave me flashbacks to the days of landlines. But you wouldn't walk around, and, and I certainly didn't wanna do that because it gave me anxiety, with your phone at 8% battery all day and call that a functioning phone. When my phone was regularly dipping below 10%, I was constantly thinking about , when and where could I plug it back in, and what apps or things should I shut down and not use, and bare minimum only, because if I was out and about, what if I needed my phone in an emergency? That is not a functioning phone. That's a phone in survival mode. Even the phone goes into battery survival mode. It always comes up with that notification, right? Things are gonna slow down. They're gonna turn off background apps. Well, scrolling on your phone in the evening or staying up late to do whatever is like plugging your phone in for five minutes, unplugging it, and then wondering why the phone is dead by 10:00 AM You're doing the same thing to your energy, to your ability to focus, to your patience by only charging for a few hours at night. Sleep, a good night's sleep, a full night's sleep is like getting that full overnight charge where you plug your phone in and you wake up to a fully charged, fully functional phone. I was coaching a client just the other week, a, a longtime client of mine who has gone through seasons where she's been getting to bed at a great hour at night so that she can wake up early, get in her workout in the morning, which she claims is the thing that helps her navigate the day. And then on with her very demanding work schedule and kid pickups and all of the things. But she'd gone through a season this spring to early summer where she was staying up later than she used to. We could blame it on the change from the school year to summer, to the daylight being literally longer than it is during those winter months, the change in her work schedule, any number of things , but the reality was she was not doing the things that she wanted to do because she didn't have the rest that her body needed And she, like so many others, had fallen into the trap of believing that she was doing something for herself in those late night hours. She was getting a chance to scroll on her phone, get those dopamine hits, you know, catch up with people on social or any of the things that we do on our phones when we're given just endless access without anyone interrupting us as we have late at night And so through our sessions, she really came to believe again that sleep is the best form of self-care. And maybe there were a couple of things that she was doing in the evening that she might miss, but the reality is that most of it wasn't that valuable. And it certainly wasn't as valuable as having the energy and the focus and just feeling good the next day after a good night's sleep Now, she had the benefit of knowing how good it does feel when you are sleeping adequately because she'd done it before. And so we made a couple of small shifts that she's actually in the process of implementing right now so we can see what works and maybe what doesn't this time around. We have a plan for her morning so she's no longer needing to wake up and decide what workout am I gonna do or do I work out today or not. It's predetermined for her. And we moved her bedtime up just a little bit. Honestly, it didn't need to go that much earlier. We just needed to remove the phone from the scene. Setting those wind down alarms for her, moving the phone to charge in a different space because really she didn't need it by her bedside table, and I know there are some circumstances where that is necessary, but it's all of the tips and the tricks that you've read about , and have heard in terms of what works to break that connection between scrolling and bedtime. Because again, it is sometimes the most simple and the most boring things that do actually work And so what I believe she will find is that without that crutch, she will just fall asleep. She will start to experience those mornings again where she has the energy to get up, to get her body moving, that she will feel better throughout the rest of her entire day. To set the vibe that she wants with her kids at home. To have patience with them Because she is functioning with enough rest, with enough charge in her battery It's seeing sleep as the highest and best use of those late night hours So if I've convinced you, if you are shaking your head saying, "Yeah, I know I need to get some more sleep. I know, or I am at least willing to try to see getting that extra hour of sleep at night as doing something for me here are a couple of quick things. Again, nothing that's rocket science . The boring basics work, they really do. But here are a couple of ideas that maybe you could test out as you try to get a little bit more sleep. So the first, you could try moving your, quote-unquote, me time a little bit earlier instead of completely cutting it out. So this will depend on your kids' bedtime and what time you would like to be getting to sleep. But sometimes even just 20 minutes right after the kids go to bed is enough and better than 90 minutes that pushes your bedtime back way later than you need it to be So for some of you, you might cut that me time out entirely. I pretty much do. I, I read. That's the only thing I do before bed, and I have a timer ... Which I obviously sometimes ignore, but otherwise I would read late into the night. But everything else, I just, I, I know that I'm a better person, and I feel better, and I enjoy my life more when I've gotten enough sleep. And so that is the most important thing for me to do in the evening. So maybe you cut it out entirely. Maybe you just move it a little bit earlier in your day. But you don't need probably as much of it as you think when you are feeling more restored by sleep. The second thing that you could test out is to pick something that you wanna do in that me time that actually restores you versus just numbs you out. So if scrolling on your phone is to check out and feel numb at the end of the day, what would it feel like instead to take a bath? I have a client who takes a bath almost every night, and then rolls right into bed and falls immediately asleep. Maybe it's a chapter in a book. Maybe it is doing a little bit of journaling or having a conversation with your partner. Think about the things that actually restore you and make that swap you could set a last call alarm. I love this one. It's not a bedtime alarm. It is something that is a trigger for you maybe 30 minutes before bedtime that is your cue to start winding down. So if you are allowing yourself a little bit of me time or you are finishing up some chores or a task around the house, having that alarm go off is your signal that, oh, it's about time for me to start winding down because my commitment really is to get to bed at a reasonable hour And then as with all things, I really encourage you to treat this like an experiment. So maybe you track one week where you go to bed on time and compare it to how you feel when you don't So think about the next day. Notice your energy in the morning. Notice your ability to focus. Notice the number of arguments that you have with your partner, or the number of times that you snap at your children or wanna rush through things because you are tired Let the data make the case for you instead of relying only on willpower or what you think you should do. Whenever I do a comparison, like I've gotten two days here where I haven't felt great because I stayed up too late, the next two days when I get back to my normal bedtime and I'm getting adequate sleep, I know, because I've done this experiment before, that I will feel 10 times better tomorrow, that my workday will be 10 times more productive. I will enjoy my kids more. I will have energy that lasts through the day as compared with today, that data will speak for itself. And it's also why I continue to come back to my normal early bedtime, prioritizing sleep of a- above any other form of self-care I think so often we think that we have a sleep problem. And I know sometimes it is, but, you know, go talk to your doctor, try the things to help you get restful sleep at night. But in terms of going to sleep, we think it's a sleep problem, it's a willpower problem. But really, I see it as a time management challenge. It is about deciding on purpose what that last hour or two of your day is actually for. What is the priority? How do you want to feel? In the same way that you choose anything else that you do during your day, what's most important to get done, what is most important for that final stretch of the day before bedtime And this is the kind of decision that is really hard to make alone at 11 o'clock at night It's easier to reach for your phone to stay up for one more episode or read one more chapter It is harder to choose and rely on willpower in that moment to turn off the light and go to sleep But when you make a plan in advance, you decide what is the most important use of that time. And you do it potentially with someone helping you see the big picture, the impact, the domino effect that your lack of sleep has on every other facet of your life. Well, then it becomes something that's much easier to do because we know what's at stake and we have a plan that is realistic and reasonable to expect that we could follow through on. And that is exactly what coaching does. I walk through this, as I said, all of the time with my clients, helping them think about the tweaks, the timeline, what actually makes sense. How much sleep do they want to get? You don't have to get eight or nine hours a night if you only need six, but let's get those six consistently. And let's look at the data and make changes as needed based on the results, not on what we think we should be doing. I am going to be opening up enrollment for my small group program called Beyond Balance, where we learn the skill of managing our time and prioritizing our responsibilities. And a big piece of that is having the time and space that we want for ourselves. If you are interested in learning more about that program and even getting your name on the wait list so that you know when the doors open up You can visit my website at themothernurture.com/beyond-balance. Again, that will start in the fall. If you're looking for immediate support with sleep or any other piece of your working mom life, I am accepting one-on-one clients, And you can head to themothernurture.com/application to learn more about that coaching and see if you would be a good fit My challenge to you this week is to pick one night where you go to bed 30 minutes earlier than you think you can afford to. 30 minutes where you let go of whatever else you were going to do and you prioritize sleep, and then see what changes for you All right. I hope this episode has you motivated to get yourself rested. It really is the most underrated productivity tip that I could give you. It makes everything else easier, not just your work, but also your relationships and parenting. All right, until the next episode, I hope you take care, and I'll talk to you soon Thank you for listening and as always, for being a part of this working mom community. You can find everything related to this episode in the show notes at themothernurture.com/podcast, you can also find information about how I support working moms just like you through one-on-one, and group coaching, as well as access a number of resources and articles all on my website at themothernurture.com. I will see you again next week for another episode of the podcast.

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