Episode 30: What Your Date Nights Are Missing as a Working Parent
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Do your date nights ever feel like they just check a box? Or do you spend that precious adult time simply talking about kids and schedules and logistics? It's a rut so many working parents fall into. You know that making time for your relationship is important, but it just doesn't feel the way it used to. Well, that's because you're planning the wrong kind of dates. As a busy working parent, it's not enough to just get out of the house. In this episode I'm sharing the secret to making date nights fun and exciting again. This one simple change will help you feel more connected in your relationship and more refreshed for the rest of your daily responsibilities.
In this episode, you’ll learn…
01:53 My family Valentine's Day traditions
03:49 Importance of having fun in relationships
04:46 Planning date night is a challenge
10:18 The secret to reconnecting
14:33 Creative ideas for your next date
18:28 The key to changing your relationship
links & resources mentioned in this episode:
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You are listening to the Life Coach for Working Moms podcast, the show where we are talking about what it actually takes to make life work as a working mom. I'm your host, Katelyn Denning, a full time working mom of three and a certified life and executive coach. I'm so glad you're here and I hope you enjoy this week's episode
Hey, welcome back to another episode of the podcast. I'm so glad you're here. So Valentine's day is coming up this week. If you're listening to this near real time, I actually love some of these smaller love, no pun intended. I love some of these smaller holidays so much more as an adult. As a parent, I think, too.
You know when your kids are young and they just live for the next holiday or reason to celebrate anything or decorate for anything? I love that with these smaller holidays like, I don't know, Valentine's Day or, I always think of Mardi Gras. I used to live in New Orleans, so love that., I don't know, St.
Patrick's Day, any of these other ones. There's no, there's not as much pressure. Or the expectations aren't as high when you think about, the bigger holidays that we just came off of at the end of the year. If you celebrate Christmas or Hanukkah or Thanksgiving, birthdays, even there's gifts, there are traditional meals that we serve, but I don't know what some of these smaller ones, it's like, you can do whatever you want.
You can really make it your own. And it then becomes truly about the small things, the maybe quirky traditions that you just make up, or you see that somebody else does it, and so you're like, ooh, that's a fun idea, I want to do that. And it's more about just doing things as a family. For Valentine's Day around here, I don't think we have any set traditions, but I would say for the last at least three, four years, I've always made heart shaped cutout cookies that we have delivered to friends or neighbors.
We actually just did that today, finished those up., And for my kids, I love to, buy just like a grocery store bouquet of flowers the night before Valentine's Day and I just divide it in thirds and put it in a little glass with water at their seat at the table for breakfast, and then I usually get them like a full size candy bar of their favorite candy, And in years past if there's a picture book about love or something along the theme that I really am excited about, I'll get that for them to share, but.
It's so simple, right? It's so simple. I think this year, we won't go out for Valentine's Day, though he doesn't listen to my podcast, so I can say I did get him a little something fun because for once, I had an idea and I thought of it and so I did that, but we're not going out for a fancy date or dinner or anything like that.
And so I think this year, We might have a family meal on Valentine's Day, and then I'm gonna try like a fancy dessert. Maybe one of those molten lava cakes, you know, that you make in the little ramekins. So maybe we'll do that, and we'll just celebrate in a special way as a family, but that's the thing about these small ones.
You can just try things on a whim, and it's so fun. So, what are you doing for Valentine's Day? Do you feel the same way that I do, or is it overrated and just a hallmark holiday? Which I totally understand and definitely had my seasons of life where I felt that way, but for now, I'm enjoying it. I'm having fun with it.
I'm feeling the love. So, in honor of Valentine's Day, and maybe some of you who are thinking about making time for a date, or connecting with your partner, your spouse,, I want to talk about an element of connecting, an element of dating, again, after we become parents, that often gets overlooked, and that is having fun.
Having fun! You might be surprised, but dating, connecting, marriage, relationships is a very, very frequent topic in coaching sessions with my clients. And so I'm speaking from experience, not just my own, but from what I see. And it actually makes a lot of sense.
There is so much, as parents, that has to go into orchestrating a date night or a day date. Whichever, pick which one you resonate with. I'm going to say date night, but know that it means just time for the two of you, okay? Finding the time for it, first of all, I put on Instagram just last week that my husband and I had a day date.
We went,, in the middle of our work days on Friday. We met at a restaurant and we had lunch together. And I kid you not, I put that on our calendar two, maybe three months ago. And of course, the stars happened to align on Friday, where nobody was sick, there was not a snow day. It worked out. I know that so many times we plan these things and it just doesn't work out that way.
But,, finding the time to connect is the first hurdle. Then we arrange for child care, if you're not lucky enough to do it during a work day when you already have child care. And Not just any child care, but especially for those of you who might be new parents, finding child care that you trust, someone that you feel comfortable with, someone that you can afford.
It's so expensive. Babysitters are so expensive. Oh my gosh, I remember coming home with literally coins, change, when I babysat as a preteen. Not what they're making today, that's for sure. Then there is the planning of the date. What are you going to do? Who's going to decide what you do? Who's going to make the reservations or buy the tickets or arrange with the babysitter for the time that?
He or she needs to arrive. There is Grappling with any guilt that might come up. Guilt for leaving the kids. For Spending the money, maybe. For just taking the time when there is so much on your plate.
So if you make it as far as actually leaving the house, you've done more than so many parents,
but what I hear about from so many of the women I've coached is that you get to the bar, or you get to the restaurant, or you get to the venue, and it feels like you're just Checking the box. I remember feeling this way, too. Date night? Check. Spending one on one time with my partner, like they say that I should?
Check. Showing, our kids, that our marriage, is important? Check. Having fun? Feeling really connected? Feeling like we truly enjoy each other's company? Uh, maybe? Sort of?
Those things aside, there are so many perks of going out on a date. You don't have to cut someone else's food. You do not have to take anyone else but yourself to the potty. You do not have to provide entertainment while you wait on food. You don't have to be watching the clock, wondering if it's all going to fit in before you need to be home for the next nap or for bedtime routine.
That is pretty great, and reason enough to get out every now and then. But are those things enough? And what about connection? What about having fun?
If you think about the last time, if you can remember, the last time that you went out without kids, did you spend most of the time talking about the kids, or about your schedules, or about logistics? I mean, I did it last week on our lunch date, I will admit to that, because it felt like the first uninterrupted chunk of time that we had had together in weeks, where we weren't too tired to look at the calendar or to make a decision about something that was coming up.
And so, I did bring up some logistics. I get it. It makes so much sense that you would use that time to actually talk about the things that we can never find the time to talk about. But that is still adulting. And it's probably not the highest and best use of your time away when you have a sitter or someone with the kids.
Side note, I do actually highly recommend scheduling child care or a sitter for longer planning dates where the two of you can look at the calendar, talk about logistics, get on the same page about an upcoming season or trip or just to sit down and make some big decisions. together. We have done that a few times, not enough, and every time I think, wow, that was so worth it to get out of the house and focus on what we need to focus on.
But when you are using your date night, when you are using the time that, by definition, could be fun, could be flirty, could be about connecting, and instead you're talking about kids and logistics. Is that the highest and best use of that time? So the question then really becomes, how do you get out of the habit of just going through the date night motions?
How do you make your dates not feel like you are just checking the box, doing what the experts or the articles or what you believe you should be doing for your marriage, for your partnership, for your relationship. And more importantly, how do you actually have fun? How do you actually enjoy each other and experience a pleasurable date?
Well, my answer will always be, you have to do something different. And no, just trying a new restaurant does not count as something different. Because the most important word in that sentence is The word do. Do implies action. So here's what I mean. What is something that you and your partner have never done together before or have not done together in a long time?
What type of activity would be new to both of you? There has been research done that highlights how trying new things, how learning new things together can strengthen a relationship. It makes sense. If you think about some of the stronger relationships maybe that you've had in your life, Were they formed around a shared experience?
I remember growing up, one of our family's closest friends, a couple that was close friends with my parents, were a couple that they met in Lamaze class, so this new experience of being first time parents brought them together and forged this relationship. I think back to high school. And those strong relationships that I had with all of the other kids in music, that was what I was into
so marching band, show choir, musical. Or my college friends and how close I feel to my freshman roommate who went through that experience of becoming a college student with me. And even friendships that I formed. while working closely with colleagues and that shared experience of what it was like to do that job in that company in that time.
And so it makes sense that it is the act of doing something new together, of experiencing something new together that can strengthen a relationship. So another reason that I really love to think about this, especially for parents, for working parents, Who are reconnecting, who are figuring out what is our relationship look like now that we have become parents.
Is that when you try a new activity for your date, when you don't just go to the restaurant and get a meal, you don't just watch a movie or go to a bar for a drink. You are forced to put your attention on the experience itself. You're figuring it out. You are learning this activity. How do I do this? What are the rules?
What are the protocols here in this space where I've never been before? And when you're focused on learning, on figuring it out, it means that you're not focused or really able to talk about kids, or logistics, or the schedule, or work. You get to just be together. In this new experience, you get to explore together, you get to try something together.
I'm gonna share some ideas with you, and full disclaimer, my ideas might not be your ideas. So what I think of as interesting or something that I would be willing to try with my husband,, Might not be for you, and that's totally fine. I just want you thinking along similar lines, and then you can make it your own.
Yours will look different, probably based on where you live, what's available to you, and what sounds like something you would be willing to try. But this list will give you the gist. So, some ideas, some my own, some that I've watched clients try with their partners might be taking a cooking class, doing some sort of tasting experience, I don't know, a wine tasting, beer tasting, coffee tasting, cheese tasting, chocolate tasting, I'm sure they exist, find one, going bowling, I take my kids to bowling birthday parties all the time, and how fun.
We should go bowling more. We should bowl with friends. We should double date, triple date. Go out and bowl. Going to an arcade. Playing the games of your childhood again and just having fun. I am terrible, but I love it.
You could go roller skating or ice skating, please be careful. No injuries. Skiing, tubing, snowboarding. That's on my list. I've actually never skied, believe it or not. I would love to try that. You could go kayaking or canoeing. I love that one. You could go to an amusement park. Ride some new rides.
Be a kid again. You could try some sort of putt putt golf or top golf, if you know what that is, experience. I'm terrible at golf, but I have done this. I have done this for a date. You could do one of those escape rooms. You could take a dance lesson or go to some sort of dance social and figure out how to fit in there and pick up the steps.
You could do a crafting or an art class. Find a local pottery studio, painting, think glassblowing. Love that idea. Go sing some karaoke. I don't care if you can't carry a tune. Karaoke is always fun. Take a hike in a new place. Try rock climbing. Go to the batting cages. Take some sort of tour where you are just immersed in history or culture or learning something new.
There are so many ideas. These are just a few, again, that I've seen others, and have experienced. I've seen others be successful with or have tried myself. Take that list and think about what might be fun for you. What would you be willing to try? And can you stretch yourself a little bit? So many of you save all of the fun and the adventures for your kids and rightly so it is fun to take them places and see them experience things for the first time or introduce them to something that you love or frankly just get out of the house.
Sometimes we just need to be out of the house. I love doing that too. I love to experience things with my kids and have fun with my kids. But you are allowed to have your own fun too, and I think it is especially important if you are finding yourself simply checking the box when it comes to date nights, if your connection time still revolves around the kids, even if they're not with you.
It is time to try something new, to immerse yourself in a new experience and a new activity. You would be amazed at the number of coaching sessions that I have with clients where we are focused on marriage, partnership, what it means and looks like to connect. As a busy working parent, and I will tell you that your relationship with a partner, spouse, and the other important relationships in your life, they are all absolutely connected to your time.
It can be a challenge after becoming parents to figure out how your relationship evolves. with this new role. And when your time is tight, when you have so many responsibilities and priorities on your plate,
it can be hard to find time for yourself, let alone your partner. But I will say again and again, one of the best things that I did for my marriage was to change my relationship with time. And I see this in my clients. All of the time as well when I started getting things on my to do list done and Then started making time for myself when I was able to just slow down and not be so stressed about everything that I had to do.
Of course, I felt that change, but so did everyone else in my house, including my husband. And it wasn't until then that my husband and I then started having real conversations about not just who was doing what and What was fair, but about more meaningful things. We started feeling less like roommates and co parents and like we were in a relationship .
And we started having fun again.
So many of the women I've worked with will get years into their parenting journey and realize that their relationship has taken a backseat. And the first step that I tell them is what I will tell you here today. Start with your time. Start with your relationship with time and watch your relationship to your partner or your spouse change as well.
Then as you have more time and more energy and more mental capacity, you can have fun with your relationship and examine what you want it to look like. What does connection mean to you? What is fun? for you. What is the type of relationship that you want to have, not just now when your kids are young, but long term, too?
Let's create that. In my one on one coaching program, we are starting with your relationship with time. But then we move on to all of the other major parts of your life. Parenting, your career, your health, and yes, your relationships, your marriage, your friendships, your family. I help you create a vision for the type of working mom that you want to be, and then together we bring it to life.
If you are ready for that, you can apply to work with me one on one by going to my website the mother nurture. com forward slash application. I'll review your application personally and reach out to you about scheduling a next steps conversation where we will map out what our priorities would be for our work together.
So you'll know exactly what your next steps are either way. Again, go to my website at themothernurture. com forward slash application. As always, you can find all of the notes, links, anything else that we talk about here on the podcast, all of that is available to you over on my website at themothernurture. com forward slash podcast. All right, I am sending you so much love, so much fun this week, and until I talk with you in the next episode, take care.
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