Episode 26: The Unexpected Power of Saying Less
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Listen to these powerful client stories of how intentionally saying less has made all the difference in parenting, in leadership, and in difficult conversations about boundaries and priorities. We live in a busy and noisy world, especially as parents, with little time to pause and embrace the silence. But when we do, we can hear so much more. We can hear what our kids really need. We can hear what's actually the problem at work. And we can hear our own thoughts about what is actually important. After you finish this episode, I challenge you to practice pausing, embracing the silence, and saying yes and tell me that you don't feel a difference in how you connect to those around you and to yourself as a working mom.
In this episode, you’ll learn…
01:15 The power of silence in parenting and work
02:56 Client Story: saying less in career negotiations
09:20 Client Story: saying less as a manager
11:30 Personal Story: saying less as a parent
15:23 Practical tips for saying less and getting comfortable with silence
19:03 Join my January Small Group Coaching Program for Working Moms!
links & resources mentioned in this episode:
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You are listening to the Life Coach for Working Moms podcast, the show where we are talking about what it actually takes to make life work as a working mom. I'm your host, Katelyn Denning, a full time working mom of three and a certified life and executive coach. I'm so glad you're here and I hope you enjoy this week's episode
Hey, and welcome back to another episode of the podcast. I am so excited to be here with you this week. I had to experience, as I shared last week, everything that I talked about in surviving endless school closures or sick days or just the unexpected. And so I'm really hoping, fingers crossed, that I have a full work week, but You know, we will see.
We've got some low, low temperatures expected here later in the week, and so it could be that we end up with another cold day, and I will follow all of the steps that I shared last week in that episode. If you missed it, go back and listen, because chances are it's gonna be relevant for you. If it wasn't last week, it will be at some point.
But. I am really proud of how I ended up last week, the progress I was still able to make, how I was able to be present with my kids, and yes, I definitely threw some temper tantrums, but that's okay. That is a part of that whole experience. And so with my new week, what feels like the first week of the new year for me, energy this week, I.
I want to bring this concept to you, this idea that I have been thinking about and it might be one that you could feel tempted to skip over. Maybe at first glance, you're not quite sure what the relevance is to your very immediate problems or challenges as a working mom, but I really encourage you to keep listening because
Comfortable with silence, listening more, saying less can serve you in so many situations in your working mom life. So, As a parent, we're going to talk about that, in managing or just working with, collaborating with colleagues, in negotiations, in potentially managing up, if you're familiar with that term, when you have a leader, someone that you report to, how silence and saying less can really be to your benefit.
And I would argue that. What this really comes down to is giving ourselves the permission to pause. Something that's very hard to do in our busy, always rushing, sometimes frantic lifestyle, and that pausing also serves you when it comes time to think about your time, to manage your time, to become more efficient with your time, which is at the heart of everything that we talk about here on the podcast.
So I want to start right off by giving you an example from a very real client session and we're going to use it to go deeper into what this means or where this could benefit you in your life. So I have this client who is considering her current job and thinking about how it's not presently working for her, but she's also potentially thinking about making a change.
Maybe you are in that space as well right now. There are so many conversations that I'm having both with clients and just in my everyday life about this potential for change. I think we are probably still feeling the impact of the great resignation that followed COVID, but also just more awareness and intentionality that we're bringing to our lives and really asking these questions of, is this serving me?
Is this where I want to be? Is this the job or the career or the employer where I want to be spending my time? So Maybe you're feeling that as well. And this client of mine in particular is stuck in that in between, right? Not quite ready to leave, not ready to just resign and hope that something else shows up that is perfect for her, but also not really quite sure what is the next step.
Will it be better or am I in a grass is greener situation? Do I really have the time or the capacity to start something new? And I'm going to be talking and focusing more on some of those questions as it relates to career and work this month on the podcast, so look for some more great episodes to come if these are questions that you are grappling with right now, or even if not.
perhaps there will be something in there for you to take for your future. And so we are doing the work in our sessions of getting really curious about what works and what doesn't about her current job. What are some of her interests? We're gathering information and also taking some small steps, taking a little bit of uncomfortable action and thinking about what else might be possible for her.
But in the meantime, she still needs to show up for her job. She needs to get paid. That's a question that we always ask, right? Is this important to you? Is getting paid and having a salary part of the reason that we do need to figure out how to make this work and thinking about if she is going to stay at least in the short term, but maybe in the longterm, what would this role need to look like in order for it to be a place where she could feel content or satisfied?
I love that question. doing this type of work with clients. And so we have outlined her boundaries. She has outlined them. I have just supported and asked her some clarifying questions to get her to where she needs to be, right? What would she need to be able to stay without burning out or feeling like she just has to leave.
We have. prepared for the conversation. There's so much that you can do in the framing of these boundaries or questions or asks or requests, whatever you want to call them. I love to help my clients think through these conversations or negotiations really is what they are. And my final reminder to her as she heads into this conversation with her manager, is that the power.
In these conversations really comes in saying what you mean, saying what you need to say, and then being quiet, pausing and being comfortable with the silence. So this does several things. If you think of any amazing Ted talk that you have watched or listened to, I love a great Ted talk, the most.
Impactful. The most powerful speakers on that stage give plenty of space. They allow their words to land. So even in a conversation that's just one to one with your manager, asking for what you want, making that request, or stating how you feel, whatever the situation may be, that silence allows your words to sit and really sink in.
The silence buffers against your need to keep talking, to fill the space, which oftentimes weakens our case. It sounds when you're filling that space like justification, when really your requests don't need justification. If you make the ask in a way that is clear and has truly considered how it benefits everyone.
And when you pause and say less, you can really see and hear how your words landed with the other person. So many of us are not comfortable with silence. And so the other person will likely be compelled to fill it. And you will hear an immediate reaction as the other person jumps in, and that is great data for you to have.
Our worlds are so loud. We are used to noise, even if it's not actual noise like music or a podcast or the sounds of our kids or colleagues talking. There's noise in our heads, noise as we scroll social media and compare noise as we think very loudly and worry about all of the things. There's And so it becomes so normal, the noise, that silence feels abnormal.
For some feels really uncomfortable, which is why we rush to fill it. And so the challenge is to learn to be comfortable or just sit in the discomfort of the silence. So let me give you another example. I have a different client who is managing a larger team now and stepping into an even bigger leadership role at her company.
She's thinking Because of our experience coaching together, she's thinking about leadership as coaching, which is so brilliant and I love that. And so she is practicing saying less. In her conversations with her team, she's still giving clear direction, setting clear expectations, making herself available for questions and guidance when asked or when needed.
She's allowing space in her one on ones, for example, for her direct reports to say more, to share their ideas, their concerns, how they're really feeling. And it has been like strengthening any other muscle, hard, At first, deeply uncomfortable to not spend most of the time talking to think that being a leader means sharing your expertise and talking all of the time.
And so it has been like breaking a habit, even if it's just one response that she pauses before sharing with that direct report. It has been such a game changer already in just the last month. She's learning so much about the individuals on her team. She's been able to really hear them and understand them, and they feel more comfortable to open up around her because she gives them the space to do that.
She's not rushing to fill the silence with more words, more explanation, more directives. There are so many other things that she's working on and striving for as a leader, of course. We all always are as we step into leadership, but this will be the foundation. Saying less will be the foundation on which so many of those other things stand.
Now, lastly, I have to give you one more, more personal example. It was So interesting to me, but as these two clients were doing their experiments with saying less in that negotiation and in one on ones with their team, I happened to come across a video that Dr. Becky Kennedy made about this very topic when it comes to parenting.
You know, I love Dr. Kennedy and her book and podcast, Good Insight. I know so many of you are familiar with her work and In this particular video, she gave several examples from her own parenting experience with her kids, but the one that I remember was something about her son coming down in the morning, and he wanted to wear his favorite sweatshirt to school that day, and he was upset because it wasn't clean.
It was still in the dirty laundry. And she shared that normally she would jump in to defend herself, right? Well, you didn't put it in the hamper. Or, I just did your laundry a day ago, and you're not due for clean laundry. I can't, wash your clothes every day to keep this favorite sweatshirt always clean.
Or, if they're old enough, if it was important to you, why didn't you wash it? And that defensiveness, jumping in to justify why it's not clean leads to, in most cases, an argument, or deeper frustration, or if we're talking about our really young kids, a temper tantrum. So instead, I think she just shrugged and said like, yeah, you wanted to wear your favorite sweatshirt today, and then bit her tongue.
She paused. She allowed for silence. She said, Less. She wasn't trying to solve it, there was no trying to defend herself or justify her actions, there was no trying to make anyone feel better. Him? That he didn't have his favorite sweatshirt, or her? That she didn't wash it? She just said less and immediately de escalated the situation because there's no fuel.
She didn't add anything else to the conversation that then he could take the wrong way or jump in to argue with. The disappointment or the frustration that her son was feeling diminished and he moved on. He found another sweatshirt and she just continued drinking her coffee or whatever she was doing.
No one ended up angry. And it's so true. When I think about. Parenting, at least for me, we give these lengthy explanations. I know I sound like my granddad when I do that. We used to joke, right? If you want to fall asleep getting an answer to a question that you want, go ask granddad.
We give these lengthy explanations or we harp or repeat things over and over and over for our kids. What would happen if we just. said less. If We nodded our head to show that we hear what they're saying instead of filling the silence with more words that maybe Cheapen their feeling or create a new feeling as we add fuel to that fire It's funny because the same client who is practicing saying less with her team has also tried Practicing saying less at home with her very young kids, right?
So kids who probably struggle to even convey that they're upset about their favorite sweatshirt not being clean, or could definitely not do their own laundry. And she is finding that it de escalates so much conflict, so many tantrums and moments of frustration at home as well. So how do you start practicing saying less?
Well, first, Notice where or when you say too much. What are the situations where you tend to feel the need to fill the silence or immediately jump in to say something? For me, it's definitely parenting. I've gotten much more skilled and have had much more practice in professional conversations at being comfortable with silence.
But in parenting, I always want to teach more, explain more, or just reiterate my point. When really I'm probably just making my kids more frustrated or they're just tuning me out. My words become less effective the more that I say. So as you are aware, or you start to notice all of those situations where you tend to jump in and say more, maybe it's at work, maybe it's at home, maybe it's in friendships, or I don't know, when talking to strangers, can you challenge yourself to say less?
in one of those instances. To stop yourself after one sentence. Or really, it's like being in competition with yourself to see if you cannot jump in and fill the silence in that work conversation or in that meeting. Picture your words landing on the floor. And taking up space, just like those TED Talk speakers who have perfected the power of the pause as they make a statement and then pace for a couple of steps, thinking about what comes next, even though we know it's probably all rehearsed and memorized, or after they say something, looking out at the audience and making eye contact to really let their words land.
How cool to be that person whose words have so much meaning and value that all they have to do is let them sit and marinate. And even if what you have to say isn't super meaningful or memorable, the pause, the silence gives us all, the manager, the co worker, your team members, your child, the chance to pause as well.
To think about what we actually heard or what we want to say back. I think we should all be creating more opportunities to pause in our life. Pause to consider what your priorities are right now. Pause to consider how much time you actually have today and what's most important to focus on. Pause before you say yes or reply to that question.
That ping, that message, that text that just came in. Listen to episode 23 on managing daily interruptions if that is a challenge for you. Pause to acknowledge yourself for all of the things that you're doing. And as with this topic today, pause before you rush to fill the silence. Notice what comes of it when you give yourself or you give others that opportunity to just take a beat before rushing into the next thing or the next thing that you have to say.
You can't learn to plan for or manage your time without learning the skill of pausing. It's all connected. Saying less is linked to doing less and doing just the most important things. I recognize that it's not an easy thing to practice when we are in a world and in a season, as working parents, of juggling so many things and doing so much rushing around.
But it is possible. And even the smallest moments count. This practice of pausing, of saying less, of allowing that silence to sit is a practice that everyone will be learning and practicing in my small group coaching program for working moms that's kicking off later this month. We will be learning how to manage and plan our time so we can make progress on the things that we've put on the back burner or just can't ever seem to find the time for.
So whether that's taking more time for yourself, being more present with your kids, creating a more connected relationship, better boundaries at work, or even a new job or career path for you this year, it all starts with looking at your time, pausing and creating a plan and taking action from there to get you what you want.
I would love to tell you more about this program. I'm having conversations with women who are joining the group already. We'll get started, as I said, once the group is full, likely later this month. If you want to learn more, you can head to my website at themothernurture. com forward slash interest, fill out a quick application and I'll follow up to get you more details and determine if you are a fit for the group.
As always, you can find everything I've referenced and talked about here on the podcast over in my show notes, which are on the website at themothernurture. com forward slash podcast. All right, I will talk with you in the next episode and until then take care. Talk soon.
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