Instead of "This Too Shall Pass", Say This
When life feels tough, you know what you don't need to hear?
"This too shall pass" or
"It could be worse" or
"What're you gonna do?"
What you need to hear is something more like that sucks.
Or maybe - that’s so hard.
That might not be what you thought I was going to say but hear me out. This is actually grounded in parenting psychology.
Do you know the classic parenting book, How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk?
I read the version geared for younger kids a few years back and the one thing that I still remember to this day is how to respond to your kids when they're emotionally charged.
Think about it...
When you’re fired up about something and you share your story with say, a friend. You're upset, you’re outraged, you’re angry about what happened. You're telling that story with an inflection, tone, and body language that matches how strongly you feel.
So when your friend responds to you in a very calm, very soothing, very soft voice and says something like, “This too shall pass. Everything is going to be ok,” what does that make you want to do?
I know what it makes me want to do.
It makes me want to raise my voice “I WILL NOT CALM DOWN. Didn’t you hear what I just said?!”
Just like our kids in the throes of a tantrum, we too want a response that matches our own.
We want to know that that someone actually heard us.
And the easiest way to know that someone has heard us is when they reflect back what we’re feeling.
The authors of the book would say to respond to an angry toddler in an angry voice that matches theirs and say something like, “I can see you are so angry right now!”.
You match them to show that you recognize and acknowledge how they truly feel.
And then, when they're heard, they can take a breath. They can loosen their grip just a little bit because they know the other person sees and hears them.
So these last couple of weeks as we've navigated health issue after health issue, when I was tired and angry and frustrated and just plain bored from sitting on the couch with my son for days on end, I just wanted someone to see me.
I wanted someone to recognize where I was and how I was feeling.
So when my friends and my sister and my parents said to me That sucks Katelyn. I’m so sorry. What a TOUGH couple of weeks.
That was all I needed.
None of them could swoop in and solve my problems. Aside from bringing coffee, dinner, and helping with the big kids, they couldn't change the diagnosis.
And I'm so grateful that they didn't remind me that it could be so much worse or that this too shall pass.
That's not what we need to hear when life is hard.
When things don't turn out the way we hoped or when life throws us curve balls, we need the comfort of being heard and seen, just as we are, in our sadness, disappointment, frustration, and anger.
My work as a life coach is, of course, to help my clients enjoy their lives. To find ways to make the sometimes exhausting responsibilities of being a working mom a little easier.
But I can’t take away the hard times, the frustrating times, or the sad times. Those are a part of the human experience.
What I can do is help you find tools to navigate them AND I can also see and hear you exactly as you are through it all.
If you’re going through a tough time, if your kids are sick or back-to-school is stressful, I can give you the tools to get through it.
And I’m also here to tell you that sometimes it just sucks, and I'm right there with you on that!
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