Comparison Is The Thief Of Joy

I know you do it. We all do.

You see that mom at the restaurant with the well-behaved child. The one eating and drinking the food on her plate, content, while her parents carry on an adult conversation. 

Then you look back at your own table to see your child throwing food on the floor, whining, and asking for dessert even though they haven't actually eaten a single thing off the plate. And you think, I must be doing something wrong.

Or perhaps you see a mom at Target whose kid is screaming for a new toy. And instead of feeling bad about yourself as a mom, for once you feel good. In fact, if you're really honest with yourself, you feel somewhat superior because your kid hasn't asked for a single thing since you came in the door.

So whether you come out on top or on bottom, we compare ourselves to other moms all the time.

How do we measure up?

It's normal to want a benchmark. To know how we're doing as parents. Because face it, there are a million decisions to make and we don't know how any of it's going to turn out in the long run, so we look around.

We think that if we can see the results of other parents in similar life stages, it'll give us some perspective, some support for why we do things the way we do. Because we either want to be like that other mom, or we don't.

While comparison may be the easy thing to do, it takes a toll.

Further and further apart

Comparison creates a life with boundaries and walls between us. In a stage of life where you need all the support and community you can get, you're creating your own little fortress around your family. By judging and comparing, you put distance between the very women you need.

But the bigger result that comparison creates is feelings of frustration, inadequacy, and false confidence. 

Think about the last time you compared yourself to another mom. How did you feel?

If she appeared to be doing a better job at mothering, it probably made you feel like crap, didn't it? Maybe it made you question how you do things. Maybe you felt a little angry or bitter. 

'I'm a terrible mom. She has it all figured out and I don't know what the hell I'm doing.'

You internalize that judgment. You carry it around with you. And your confidence as a mom slips, just a little.

And what if that comparison put you on top? What if when you compared yourself to that other mom you were the one doing the "better job"?

That probably didn't feel bad. That probably boosted your confidence.

But how true does that boost of confidence really feel? How soon will you need to compare yourself again to feel good? Will you always have to rely on others to confirm that you're actually a good mom?

Breaking the habit

In a world where we look to others to help us decide (I mean isn't Google our go-to resource?), it's an extremely hard habit to break.

Some say that the longer you're a mother, the easier it is to trust yourself and not need to compare for validation. But if comparison is making you feel bad right now, you don't have time to wait for the wisdom that comes with experience. So what can you do now to stop this cycle?

How do you break the habit of comparing?

You get curious!

Well, we play with different approaches depending on the situation, but you can try on:

• Curiosity

• Empathy/Sympathy

• Love

• Understanding

Let me give you an example. 

Recently I had to bring my 2 yo son with me to my daughter's ballet class. He was being loud and crazy and wouldn't sit still in the waiting area. Across the room was another little boy, about the same age, just sitting quietly, playing with some toys.

Instead of - What am I doing wrong? Why can't my son behave like that? She has it so easy! ...

I could be curious - "What kinds of activities and toys did she pack to keep him busy?" or "I wonder if he's had a lot of practice waiting on his big sister."

Not only could I potentially learn something from this other woman who seems to have it figured out. But I can also let myself off the hook because I have no idea about her situation. 

Or maybe, we could both look at each other and think - "What an amazing mom. She's making it work, just like me."

Comparing takes so much more mental energy than curiosity or empathy or understanding. Comparing is simply a pattern that you've created, and it's one that you can, over time, change.

When you can trust your own decisions and your own instincts rather than looking outside yourself and comparing, you end up demonstrating and encouraging other moms around you to do the same.

My challenge to you

My challenge to you is to start noticing when you compare yourself to other moms. Get to the point where you catch yourself in the act of comparison. Or better yet before you even go down that path! And then, come at the situation from a place of curiosity.

Here's to trusting ourselves and creating community.