Episode 86: How to Stop Defaulting and Start Deciding
ITUNES | SPOTIFY
Are you saying yes or no by choice... or by habit? In this episode, we’re talking about the power of the pause. You’ll hear a personal story that challenged my own default response and why creating space—real space—to check in with yourself is the key to making decisions that actually align with your values, energy, and season of life. Whether your go-to answer is always yes or always no, this episode will help you break the cycle and start choosing with intention.
links & resources mentioned in this episode:
Learn more about Beyond Balance - small group coaching for working moms
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You are listening to the Life Coach for Working Moms podcast, the show where we are talking about what it actually takes to make life work as a working mom. I'm your host, Katelyn Denning, a full time working mom of three and a certified life and executive coach. I'm so glad you're here and I hope you enjoy this week's episode. .
Hello, hello and welcome back to another episode of the podcast. This is episode 86 and happy New Year. Officially, we have not talked yet this year. I hope you're doing well. I hope the year is off to a good start. Or maybe you're just getting back into the swing of things, or, I hate to say this, but based on many of the conversations I've had in my own life lately.
Maybe you're just surviving right now and that is okay too. I was texting with my sister-in-law, Megan, who was on the podcast not too long ago . And both of our families have been hit pretty hard in the last month of the year with illness. And she sent the obligatory, , GIF of someone, crawling across the finish line.
And we were joking that that's us right now. , just making it into the new year. And so yes, some years you have that fresh energy, you're ready to wipe the slate clean and get started. And other years things do not go the way that we thought that they would, and.
It takes all kinds. I guess I don't have much advice or wisdom for the insane amount of viruses that are going around already this winter other than to say solidarity. I'm right there with you. We've got this one day at a time. On that happy note, I wanna talk today actually
about how and when. To say no or yes. How to just make the decision of whether to say yes or no.
And I'm curious to hear about how much of your day today, what you do, what you decide to do is done by default. So the type of work that you take on in your professional life, the meals that you put on the calendar or plan for the workouts that you do, the things that you volunteer for, even the activities that you do on the weekends.
Now routines are great. Schedules, so, so helpful. Rhythms. Some people love that word. They are supportive. So important in fact that in beyond balance, my small group coaching program for working moms, there is an entire module dedicated to routines, and I refer to them as the steady undercurrent of daily life.
Routines are the things that move you through the different transitions of your day from one day to the next and one week to the next. They help you be consistent in doing the things that you want to do, but with minimal effort and generally less time than if you were always changing it up.
So. For example, routines around going to the grocery store when and how you do that. Meal planning, bedtime and morning routines, your workout routine,
but routines don't cover everything. While they are doing their job, what do you do about the extra things that come across your path and require a decision? Maybe you get an invite to a night out with friends. You have an opportunity for your kid to join a team or a club or a performance of some kind.
There's a request to help with a volunteer event or a project, an opportunity to take on a different type of work or project at work, an ask from your own kids to go to the trampoline park or the roller rink or the PlayPlace. How do you make your decision of whether or not to accept to go to say yes, to take on that thing?
You probably check the calendar first as so many of us do to see if we're even free. If it's an invite or some sort of request that's on a specific day or time, we have to check the calendar. Of course, you might also look at your plans or your to-do list to see what you've got going on, and does this thing even fit right now?
Are you making the decision with the full space to truly check in with yourself? That is the piece that I see so many of you missing. Are you checking in with yourself or are you just defaulting to your typical response? This happened to me very, very recently, so actually. At the time you're listening to this recording, my youngest just had his birthday.
He's a January baby, came right after the holidays. It can be a challenging time of year to celebrate anyone who has kids or maybe your own birthday that falls around the holidays. It is easy to get overshadowed. And maybe part of this is his personality, or maybe it's just a theme with being the youngest.
He's the third child, but he is so often just kind of into whatever everybody else is, into whatever his siblings are into. He is just happy to do what they're doing, get excited about what they're excited about. And so it can be hard sometimes to figure out what he wants.
What would he be excited about or love to receive for his birthday? And it was maybe about a week before his birthday out of the blue, he started talking about getting a fish. I am gonna be honest right now, I. To myself, rolled my eyes a little bit. My husband definitely rolled his eyes and gave an exasperated sigh.
We were pretty quick to say, no way, not gonna happen. We have had a pretty hard line for years now against pets, not because we don't like animals. I actually had a couple of cats until about five years ago when they passed away, but it's more because we just don't have the time or the energy to take on the responsibility that comes with having a pet.
We have three kids. We have two full-time jobs, a house, hobbies, extracurriculars, family that we help care for, friends that we love to see, and it's just been our default. I will say it. Default response, no. We're not gonna do that. But I couldn't stop feeling this nudge.
It's like in the movies, when someone hears this voice, I'm not gonna say it was a voice. I don't feel like it was a voice, but there was definitely a nudge toward me giving this a second thought. Maybe I was just saying no. Because no, in this circumstance and in actually lots of others as well, has become my default answer
from the early days of figuring out how to manage full-time work and childcare and creating the family life that I want, and also taking care of myself. I have been so concerned about protecting. My time and energy, our family's time and energy, that sometimes I do say no to things that could be fun or enjoyable or memorable because I'm worried about my capacity now I may live to regret this decision.
I fully accept that I'm going in with my eyes wide open. But when I had the space to really consider what was in front of me a fish, I decided to say yes, and I got my husband to say yes. Now again, we will see. If it doesn't work out, it's okay. I'm okay with that. I can own up to the choice that I made, but I know either way, however, whatever the outcome is that I am making this decision intentionally.
The whole concept of saying yes more has been top of mind for me for probably the last couple of months, especially here at the new year. I've not had a ton of time to set my goals or my vision for the year. I take much of January to do that. I am not in a rush to do it, but I do love the idea of thinking about what I want more of in my life.
I talked a little bit about this in episode 84, wanting more color, more champagne, more live music, more travel,
more dinner parties, more crafts. I haven't quite locked in my word of the year yet, but I know for me that it will be something around taking risks, taking action, saying Yes, I have the routines and the structure in my life on lockdown. I am ready instead to introduce more whimsy and playfulness and action into my life.
Because my pattern for a while now has been to say no, to say I don't have the time, I don't have the energy, I don't have the capacity. And sometimes that is true and the no is warranted in certain seasons, like the one that we just wrapped up. I did not have the time or the energy or the capacity for anything above and beyond what I was already doing, but sometimes.
Believing that I don't have those things defaulting to know is not always true. My season has changed, and so I am going to be paying extra attention to those opportunities, to the extra things that come across my path, and I want to give myself the space to pause and intentionally choose my answer, whether it is yes or no.
Maybe you're listening to me talk and you're like, I am the exact opposite. My default is to say yes, to overextend myself, to overcommit, to do more than I actually have the time, energy, or capacity to do, and I don't give myself the space and consideration to acknowledge that. Yeah, maybe you're always saying yes to more work, to helping out to the trip or the party or the gathering, yes to the project.
And maybe what you are looking for is to pause long enough to consider that maybe a no is actually more aligned. Maybe a no would be in your best interest in this season. But that's the thing. The answer doesn't actually matter as much as the space to pause before you make the decision,
and you have to pause longer than just checking your calendar to make sure that you're free or looking at your plan for the day or your to-do list. It's also about checking in with your gut. Do I have the capacity for this right now? Is this in line with my priorities right now? Is this something I want to do?
Yes or no?
The challenge is that when you are juggling so many things, as we are as working parents, when your calendar is so full, you're overwhelmed with all of the responsibilities and the balls that you're juggling. Everyone needs something from you all of the time. Well, that space is loud. That space is busy and it isn't conducive to pausing, and it definitely isn't conducive to hearing yourself.
Just yesterday when my kids were still home on break, I had to excuse myself for five minutes alone in my bedroom just to hear my own thoughts. They were so loud.
Now priority setting 1 0 1 will tell you that making intentional decisions about how you spend your time is easier when you know what your priorities are. Absolutely. That is why we set priorities. That is why we explore and understand our values. That is not enough on its own because you also need the space.
You need those micro moments of pause because yes, sometimes all you get is a micro moment, enough time to take a deep breath to consider what's in front of you and listen into yourself to challenge or just examine question your default response if you have one. But also just to hear your own answer on it.
Is this, for you right now,
you might be wondering how do I get the space to pause and check in with myself on the answer?
How do I have space beyond just opening up the date on the calendar or looking at my to-do list to see if I am even free? Well, I'd say first you create the space by having strong routines and systems in place so that the chaos of daily life is as efficient as possible. You get the space by having a plan for each day that incorporates a little bit of space, or I like to label it on my calendar as buffer time so you're not so rushed and frantic and scrambling to get things done right, so your schedule isn't bursting at the seams.
And you get space by knowing your priorities in this season of life. And this season could be this year, it could be this stage of parenting or this stage of career that you're in. It can also be the literal season that you're in winter right now in the Northern Hemisphere, or maybe it's just this month.
Seasons change quite rapidly, especially in this stage of life. And so therefore, your priorities change. So yes, knowing what they are right now for you can also help you create more space because it makes your decisions faster. But lastly, you create space by noticing when you have decisions to make and making the effort to get quiet, even just for a minute.
And check in. The space isn't just going to happen. Life with kids and work, as we all know, will expand to fill all of the nooks and crannies of your days. You have to make the space.
Living intentionally is what most of us want. It's what's underneath our goals for the year. If you set those, it's underneath the challenges that we set for ourselves, the things that we do. We want to feel like we are in the driver's seat,
that our lives aren't happening to us, but that we are creating our lives. If that is what you want to, then you need to get intentional about your decisions. Don't just default to your typical response or base it solely on what your schedule says. Pause and check in with yourself. Do I have the capacity for this right now?
Is this in line with my priorities right now? And is this even something that I want to do? Is it my choice?
I promise that if you focus on this practice
of intentionally making your decisions instead of defaulting to a standard response or using only your calendar to drive your decisions. That one, it will get easier. You will get faster at it as well, which means you don't need as much time to pause and that voice that tells you yes or no, this is for me, or this is not for me, will get louder.
It will get stronger and you will get even better at listening to it
and in that place.
You'll be living a life that is yours by design one that you are choosing, one that you are creating very intentionally.
That's what's on my mind this new year. As we get into the swing of things, it is exploring my answers, my default responses, and challenging or just questioning whether those are truly aligned for me in the moment. I hope this was helpful for you too.
Let me know if after listening to this, you realize that you have a default response to those extra inquiries, requests, invites, send me a message on Instagram at Love Mother Nurture. I always love to hear when an episode resonates with you. And if going deeper on creating an intentional life is of interest to you, I am going to be opening up the doors to Beyond Balance my small group coaching program for working moms here at the end of the month.
So stay tuned and on the lookout for more information to come. Maybe pencil that into your calendar, , if that is a choice that you would like to make to join us. And until the next episode, I hope you take care and I'll talk to you soon.
Thank you for listening and as always, for being a part of this working mom community. You can find everything related to this episode in the show notes at themothernurture.com/podcast,
you can also find information about how I support working moms just like you through one-on-one, and group coaching, as well as access a number of resources and articles all on my website at themothernurture.com.
I will see you again next week for another episode of the podcast.
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