Episode 71: Am I a Good Mom? The Question Behind Comparison
ITUNES | SPOTIFY
Have you ever looked at another mom and wondered if you're doing a good job? In this episode, Katelyn explores why comparison sneaks in so easily—at the restaurant, in the school pickup line, or even during casual conversations—and how it chips away at your confidence. She shares real-life stories and practical ways to shift from comparison to curiosity — helping you trust your own decisions, strengthen your community, and parent with more ease and confidence.
👉 Listen in to learn how to catch comparison in the moment and turn it into something far more powerful.
links & resources mentioned in this episode:
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You are listening to the Life Coach for Working Moms podcast, the show where we are talking about what it actually takes to make life work as a working mom. I'm your host, Katelyn Denning, a full time working mom of three and a certified life and executive coach. I'm so glad you're here and I hope you enjoy this week's episode.
Hello and welcome back to another episode of the podcast. I was a little worried that I wasn't gonna be able to get this episode to you today because our power just randomly went out in the neighborhood. They're doing lots of improvements, power line improvements, curb street paving.
Our neighborhood has definitely. Needed that so, so much. But I'm not gonna say it's not inconvenient, like when you work from home and your power goes out, but we're back. Everything knock on wood for now is working as expected. And how grateful I am that, , I wasn't without it for very long.
So before it potentially goes out again, let's hope not. But before that happens, let's get into the episode today, which is all about comparison.
And especially comparing yourself to other parents, to other moms, to other families.
We all know and have heard the phrase, comparison is the thief of joy. And yet I know you do it. I know you do it because I know I do it. We all do. Certainly, you could argue that we do it more with social media, but I'm actually kind of tired of social media these days. So I wanna give examples and talk more about comparison in real life with the people that you see and talk to face to face.
Because it happens there too all of the time. It's not just the influencers with the cute family coordinated outfits or the beautiful, stylish home or completely tidy space, which we all know is not real life. And so I was thinking through my own experiences to bring some examples to you today.
Some from my life, some from clients, stories that have come up in coaching, and I was remembering, especially when my kids were young, taking them out to eat in a restaurant. Do you remember going out to eat with kids then after the pandemic and how strange it was to have these young kids, I don't know how old your kids were during the pandemic, or if you were a parent yet at that point, but my youngest.
Restaurant life was just not an experience for him. And he called it the cooking shop for a long time because it was so new after we were eating out again. But if you think about being in a restaurant with your kids, and I'm laughing because. One might say that nothing brings out the worst in our kids and when we take them somewhere nice or where we want them to behave.
But if you think about eating out somewhere and you happen to glance over and see that parent or that mom with a well behaved child, the one who is eating and drinking the food that is in front of her content, and maybe the parents are even able to carry on an adult conversation. And then you look back at your own table and you see your kid throwing food on the floor or whining and saying that they don't like the very food that just a minute ago they insisted on having, it's easy to think I must be doing something wrong.
Or maybe you're chatting with another parent at drop off or at a school function and they're telling you about the really cool family trip that they're taking. Suddenly you're doubting your own trips. Either what you have planned or maybe your lack of trips that you have planned. Maybe you should be traveling more or taking your kids to see the national parks or to Disney World because this family is doing that and they seem like they know what they're doing
now, comparison can also go the other way as well. Have you ever taken your child to the store and you pass a family in one of the aisles where the kid is screaming because they want something, and instead of in that moment feeling bad about yourself as a parent, you feel good. In fact, maybe if you're honest with yourself, you feel somewhat superior because your kid isn't asking for a single thing.
They're just sitting in the cart or they're happily helping you put items into the cart and check them off your list. Or if you have dropped your kid off at school and walked by a child who is having a total meltdown, not wanting to go in, and your kid just waves goodbye and heads into the classroom independently,
My point is whether you feel like you're doing something right or you feel like you're failing. We compare ourselves to other moms all the time. It makes sense that we do that. Think about it.
We want to know, am I doing a good job? Am I doing a good job?
In some ways that is because of what I see, that on the whole we are losing the ability to trust ourselves, to listen to ourselves, and so we look externally. How do I measure up? Benchmarks are everywhere in our society. My son, for example, my oldest is doing testing at the beginning of school, and we know that he needs to get above a certain percentile to get into the school that he wants to attend , next year.
And so we're looking across national test scores to see how he compares. We have benchmarks in health data. There are averages of what is quote unquote normal. It is what we do and as parents who have a million decisions to make when it comes to our kids and what we want to do, how we want to raise them, we don't know if any of it's gonna turn out in the long run.
It feels like a big game of chance in a lot of ways, and so we look around. We think that if we can see the results of other parents who are parenting in a similar life stage to us, it'll give us some perspective. It will give us some support for why we do things the way we do. Because either you want to be like that other parent that you see over there or you don't.
But comparison takes a toll. It takes a toll on us as individuals, and it takes a toll on our communities, not just your neighborhood, but the parenting community at large. It pushes us further and further apart. Comparison puts up walls between us.
It is me versus you. Now, maybe you don't see it in the moment or feel it in the moment as a versus, but it is me compared to you or you compared to me how you parent versus how I parent, how my kid behaves versus how your kid behaves. And in a stage of life where you need all the support and community that you can get, we create our own little fortress around our family.
By judging or comparing, we put distance between the very women that we need. And then on an individual level, comparison creates feelings of frustration, inadequacy, and even false confidence. It creates doubt. It has you second guessing yourself, or it has you digging deeper into the way that you do things rather than being open and curious.
It is what pushes or drives so many moms, from my perspective, that I see every day to do more, to take on more, to be better, and even more. Perfect. You think about the last time that you compared yourself to another mom. Hopefully you can think of an example. If not, I would guess that maybe you're just not aware of it.
How did you feel
if she appeared to be doing a better job at mothering, at parenting? Maybe it didn't feel so great. That's my experience. Maybe it made you question how you do things. Maybe it made you feel a little angry. Or bitter. I am a terrible mom, or must be so easy for her, or must be nice, or she has it all figured out.
I don't even know what I'm doing. Or, wow, I didn't even think of that. Ugh, what is wrong with me? What happens is we so often internalize that judgment. We carry it around with us and our confidence in our ability to know what we should be thinking about to make these types of decisions, to be the kind of parent we want.
Our confidence slips just a little with every time. What if that comparison puts you on top, so to speak? What if when you compared yourself to that other mom, you were the one in your eyes doing a better job? Well, that probably didn't feel bad. Maybe it did boost your confidence a little bit,
but how true does that boost of confidence really feel? How soon will you need to compare yourself again in order to feel good? And will you always have to rely on others to confirm that you are actually a good mom or you're doing a good job in a world where we look to others to help us decide. I mean, we have Google as a go-to resource or slowly being replaced by chat GPT these days.
It's an extremely hard habit to break.
Now, some parents will say that the longer you are a parent, the easier it gets to trust yourself to not need to compare or to not need that validation. But if you are comparing right now, and it is chipping away at your confidence, if it is making you feel bad about yourself right now, you don't have time to wait for time to pass so that you can gain the wisdom that comes with experience.
And so the question is, what can you do now? What do we do? We know that we're all comparing. We know that it's not necessarily a good thing. How do we break the habit or even notice that we're doing it? I'm gonna give you one word and it's curiosity, and that sounds so simple, but it is life changing, whether it's comparison or any other challenging conversation that you are having in your life, which we all have back to back to back in our lives, be.
Curious. Get curious.
You can try on curiosity in these moments. You can try on empathy, sympathy, love for that other person who has the child who's melting down in the aisle of the store because they really want that thing. You can have understanding even. Let me give you a couple of examples. How you might apply curiosity in the moment or even retroactively after it's happened because that is still valuable as well.
I remember years ago, I. When I had to bring my youngest, who was two at the time with me to my daughter's ballet class. You know how this happens, if they have activities or things in the evening and another parent has to be somewhere else, sometimes you just have to bring the sibling along or siblings along, and he was being loud, he was being obnoxious at times.
He was spilling his goldfish all over the place. He would not settle down. And across the waiting room was another little boy who I am pretty sure was about his same age, my son's same age, and he was just sitting quietly, not even looking at a screen, a phone. He was just playing with some toys on the floor.
So instead of comparing my son to this other little boy. And telling or asking myself, what am I doing wrong? Why can't my son behave like that? Oh , she has it so easy. Look, she just gets to sit there and read or watch the class while her youngest just plays with toys independently. I could be curious what kinds of activities and toys did she pack to keep him busy.
Maybe something that she has in her bag of toys could work for my son. Or I could ask myself, I wonder if he's had a lot of practice waiting on his big sister. My son did not have a lot of practice. Again, this was coming out of the pandemic, and so he had spent a lot of time at home doing whatever he wanted.
So sitting in waiting rooms, waiting on big sister to finish was not something he was used to doing. Maybe this other boy was used to that. Not only could I potentially learn something from this other woman who seems to have figured something out or was just having a lucky night, I can also let myself off the hook because I have no idea about her situation.
Or maybe another example, the next time you hear about some family taking their kid on a big trip for their 10th birthday. This is a real story from my very current life, and you start to feel like, oh, maybe I missed the boat with this one, or I let my kid down who's now 11 and we didn't do a trip when he turned 10,
or questioning if you should be doing that too. Notice first of all that you've fallen into comparison. You will know that you are comparing because it doesn't feel great. I know for me, I was feeling guilty. There was even a little shame and doubt and some frustration baked into that.
That was an indicator that, oh, I'm comparing myself. I'm pitting myself against this other parent, and then get curious again with some questions. Is that something that we would have wanted to do if we could, or I wonder if they might be making some financial sacrifices in other areas that we might not be willing to do, or maybe we would be, and I've just never stopped to ask the question or maybe travel is a top family value of theirs and I don't know that it is a top value for us.
Or maybe I don't know what our family values are, and this would be an opportunity for me to sit down with my partner and think about that,
and then I can just be excited for them, what an awesome trip they have planned and move on or go take action from the curious questions that I asked. Comparing takes so much more mental energy than curiosity or empathy or understanding.
Comparing is simply a pattern that you have created, and it's one that you can over time, notice and change or shift to one of curiosity. When you can trust your own decisions and your own instincts, rather than looking outside yourself and comparing, you end up demonstrating and encouraging other moms around you to do the same.
So my challenge to you is to start noticing when you compare yourself to other moms. Get to the point where you can catch yourself in the act. Of comparing, or better yet, before you even go down that path and then come at the situation from a place of curiosity, ask some questions. How are they doing that?
Isn't that fascinating? I wonder what their values are. Is there something I can learn? Is there something I can take from this example or can I. Recognize that suddenly I'm wanting something that I don't really want just because they have it.
Don't fall into the trap of comparison that leads you to over-extending yourself and doing things just because everyone around you is doing them. This is a key step in the work that I do with my clients who when we finish working together, aren't afraid to do things their way. Even if it looks a little different from the other parents or the families around them.
When you take the time to identify your priorities and make sure that your life is aligned, it doesn't matter what anyone else is doing. Not only does it feel better. It actually frees up time and energy. You would be amazed at how much time is spent doing things simply because it's what you think everyone else is doing instead of checking in with yourself to do things because it's you want to do or it's what you value or you prioritize.
If this episode speaks to you, I would invite you to reach out about coaching. This is a pivotal piece of the work that I do with so many of my clients on the path toward freeing up time and energy for the things that matter most. You can learn more about coaching and submit a brief application where I will review it and reach out to let you know whether I think you would be a good fit and we can talk about any next steps from there.
You can find that over on my website at themothernurture.com/application. All right, until the next episode. Take care and I'll talk with you soon.
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