Episode 70: 5 Simple Ways to Strengthen Your Friendships This Season
ITUNES | SPOTIFY
Friendship often slips to the back burner when you're in survival mode. In this episode, Katelyn shares five practical takeaways from the book Modern Friendship by Anna Goldfarb to help you strengthen old friendships or build new ones. From setting friendship goals to showing up, automating things, doubling up on errands, and even asking for help, you’ll walk away with simple, doable ways to create the deeper connections you’ve been craving.
links & resources mentioned in this episode:
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You are listening to the Life Coach for Working Moms podcast, the show where we are talking about what it actually takes to make life work as a working mom. I'm your host, Katelyn Denning, a full time working mom of three and a certified life and executive coach. I'm so glad you're here and I hope you enjoy this week's episode.
Hey, welcome back to another episode of the podcast. I thought I was gonna maybe have to cancel this week's episode because I have been. Recovering from an awful cold. You can probably still hear it. And honestly, I sound great now compared to the last week, but gotta love those back to school germs. We had been doing so well over the summer, despite my kids going to all sorts of different summer camps and being exposed to different kids and different germs, but.
One of the younger two brought it home and then passed it to the other one, and then I got it. And somehow my oldest always manages to come out unscathed, but the rest of us are just struggling to breathe. So. I know probably many of you are also navigating already the colds or I've heard of hand, foot and mouth at some of my friends' daycares and pink eye and all of the things, Ugh.
But it's just so hard because otherwise I have energy. I feel unaffected in other ways, but I know I just sound so completely stuffy and by the end of the day, I am just so tired of blowing my nose.
Anyway, hopefully. It'll be passing sometime later this week and everyone will be fine. But you know, always something unexpected.
In fact, I have an older podcast episode. On surviving endless school closings and sick days. So if you are already in the thick of that with back to School, you can check out episode 25 of the podcast. I'll put a link to it in the show notes as well, which you can always grab over at themothernurture.com/podcast.
So let's get into today's episode. I wanna talk today about friendship. So many clients over the years and still to this day, bring up the topic of friendship as a goal that they want to work toward, that they want to improve, that they want to change in some way in their lives.
And so what typically happens whenever I'm working with a client is we start by triaging what's happening in day-to-day life. The overwhelm, the never ending to-do list. The feeling like you're stretched so thin between work and home and parenting that you're not doing anything well, we get in and make tweaks to some very logistical things.
We get the chaos a little bit better organized and start practicing really honoring your priorities first, identifying what those are, honoring them, and then holding your boundaries around those. And as those changes start to take effect, what typically happens is that you get a little bit of space. You feel like you have some breathing room, you actually feel a little bit more relaxed about all of the things that you're managing.
And so. My clients typically then start looking around at life and they start thinking about all of the other areas that they've neglected that have been pushed to the back burner while they were just in survival mode. And they start to wonder, well, maybe I don't have to wait to address these things.
Maybe I don't have to wait to bring this thing into my life now. Maybe you wanna focus on your marriage and put some thought and intention there. Your finances, your health is a big one. And then I would say eight or nine times out of 10, friendship is one of those things that women who, , have been in survival mode have just not had the capacity to think about or focus on.
I have been really fortunate in my life to be surrounded by women who are so good at friendship, and I say so good at it because I think it does require some skill. It does take work because you know when life is busy, when you are taking care of kids, it is easy to neglect friends.
To trust that they will just always be there when you're ready for them, and maybe they will be right. Those tried and true friendships that have been with you maybe for decades of your life. They will always be your friends, but it is not an active relationship like maybe it once was, or maybe like you have experienced in the past.
You know what I mean? Right. It's not active, you're not talking to them regularly seeing them. Maybe the best that you get , is the highlight reel on social media, and you feel in touch with them that way, but it's not truly knowing what they're going through. Because friendship does take work. It takes effort, it takes diligence.
If you want the kind of friendships that so many of us, I think do want someone that we can call on when we need them, who we can be vulnerable with, who we can have fun with, someone who gets us and gets what life is like. Earlier this summer, I read a great book that I have been recommending left and right.
I know I've posted about it on social media into my newsletter as well, and it was a book called Modern Friendship by Anna Goldfarb. I will put a link to that in the show notes, I found the book to be so.
Helpful. It was so straightforward in its approach. It felt almost like kind of a step-by-step guide to friendship and you might think, well, don't we know what it takes , or how we create or maintain friendships, but. If you've never had really strong deep friendships, or your friendships are maybe from a different season in life, or you've neglected your friendships, you know that getting back in the saddle again, it can feel awkward at times.
It can be easy to forget. I. What we're supposed to be doing, what we can do to be a good friend and to create or maintain strong friendships. So I took a lot of notes personally, and this is even me as someone , who feels like I do have a. The kinds of friendships that I want to have, the number of friendships that I want to have, but there were so many great tips that I thought were valuable for me, for anyone.
And so for this episode today, I thought it would just be fun, a listicle style, if you will. I picked out five of my. Favorite takeaways. The notes that I took that were really stand out to me, that reminded me and reenergized me or gave me some motivation to go out and really think intentionally about the friendships that I have.
And for those of you who maybe don't have the number or the types of friendships that you want right now, this would also serve as a starting point for you.
All right, so let's get into it. I've chosen five and the first one was about setting your friendship goals for this season of life. It was funny that me, the coach who's all about setting goals and creating plans and helping you reach your goals.
Skipped over this step or wouldn't have thought of it when it comes to friendship. But of course, just like anything in life, if we don't know what we are trying to achieve, if we don't have a finish line articulated for ourselves, how will we know when we've achieved it?
How will we know when we've done enough? How will we know what to even do on our way to achieving that? And so if you think about your friendship goals, it could be any number of things, but perhaps you want to deepen or create closer friendships from the friends that you already have. Maybe you wanna spend more time with the friends.
Maybe you feel like you have those solid friendships, but you're just not creating the space in your schedule to see them or talk to them consistently. Maybe you do want more friends. Maybe you have just one or two close friends, and you'd love a circle of friends that you have that kind of relationship with.
Maybe your goal is to travel with friends or try new things with friends. Get outside of your comfort zone, but do it with people that you know, trust and love.
Maybe you've recently moved or you are in a very different season of life and you've outgrown some of those friendships that you had before, or your friends are just scattered around the country. I talked to a number of clients who say. I have really close friends from college or law school or med school, but we all live in different places around the country and what I really would love are some local friends, friends that I can actually do things with.
So maybe for you it is more friends, local friends, new friends that match this season of life. Or maybe you want to find some couples that you can be friends with alongside your partner or spouse. So defining what you are looking for in this season when it comes to friendship can then help you.
Create a plan or brainstorm ideas of how you might get there. So that's the first one. Set a friendship goal. The second takeaway was to commit to showing up.
So the author in this book describes your different circles of friends. You have your bathtub friends, which are very, very close friends, your jacuzzi friends, maybe three to five in the next ring. Then you have your swimming pool friends, maybe 10 to 15, and then you have your bonfire friends from there,
a larger group, people that maybe you keep in touch with, or you might travel for a big milestone, like a wedding or a funeral or some big celebration. And so when you think about the different rings or circles of friends that you have, especially for your bathtub and jacuzzi friends, but maybe even your swimming pool friends, the 10 to 15 commit to showing up for them.
So some examples of what this might look like would be to mark their birthdays and milestones in your calendar and decide now how you want to recognize those. Will you send a card? Is it just a text message? Is it a gift? Do you wanna try to do something with or for those friends, say on their birthday or their anniversary, or to celebrate, , a milestone, right of a job promotion, , a new certification, a child's milestone birthday.
Do you wanna honor their kids? Milestones as well. So committing for that close circle of friends, and whether that's just one or two people for you, or whether that's five or eight or 10, you get to decide, commit to showing up. Now, I would imagine also if you are. Maybe looking at a goal of creating friends, of finding new friends.
What a fun thing to do when you are meeting new friends. To ask when their birthday is, to mark it in your calendar, and maybe you're not getting them a gift or sending them a card, but you could send them a text. What a great way to start to develop a relationship. And so thinking about that and really prioritizing how we show up and celebrate the people that matter to us in our lives.
I know this prompted me to review my dates and my calendar to make sure that I had everyone that I wanted to have marked. On the calendar and that I did make a decision about how I want to recognize and honor the different friends and their milestones.
The third takeaway for me was to automate things. We are busy. There is a lot going on. There is no shame in setting reminders. So if that is a calendar reminder that pops up two days before a friend's birthday. If you know that one of your friends has a big presentation or work event, put that on your calendar and set a reminder to send them a good luck text or to check in with them.
At the end of the day, I recently decided with my sister-in-law to set a time for a weekly phone call because we realized we had gone months without really talking, and we would just see each other at bigger family gatherings, and I had no clue what was going on in her life. And so now it is an alarm that pops up on Monday evenings that I am supposed to give her a call or vice versa.
Maybe you set a recurring weekly walk or lunch or coffee date or monthly, weekly is probably a little bit much , but maybe a monthly coffee date or lunch with a friend. Can you meet up, automate things, make it easier for yourself, schedule it into your calendar set reminders. There is no shame in that.
And it will help you feel closer and more connected to those important people in your life. This was another one that really had me taking stock of how often I am connecting with the people that I care about. Number four was to double dip, If you think about the things that you are already needing or wanting to do in your life, are there opportunities for you to do those things with a friend instead of trying to find extra time to go to dinner or out for a drink, or to grab coffee can you go together to something that you are already going to do? So can you go to dance class together? Can you set time to show up at the gym together? First thing in the morning? Can you schedule a walk if you are going to be getting your steps in anyway? I thought this was really fun .
My, my doctor actually told me that she and her girlfriends do an annual mammogram day. I think it's like in November or something. And they all schedule their mammograms for the same day and roughly in the same time period. And then once the last one is finished, they all go out to lunch.
They make a day of it. You have to get your mammogram anyway. Why not do it with a friend? Sit in the waiting room together and yeah, go get a coffee, a breakfast lunch afterwards to celebrate that. You check that thing off your list. Maybe if you are someone who gets your nails done, go with a friend or, I don't do this regularly, but I have done returns at Target or wherever with a friend.
I'm like, Hey, do you have anything to go return? I gotta run over to Whole Foods to drop this Amazon box at the counter there. Or, return something somewhere, grab a friend and go together. Costco together. I don't know. Think of your regular errands and could it work? And it may not work every time because she probably has her own schedule and things going on, but can you find those things that you are already going to do and just do them with a friend?
How fun. It's like being in high school again, where you used to. Just drive places with your friends, go do things together. Oh, I gotta go here. Do you wanna run with me? Bring some of that fun back into just the everyday chores and errands and activities that we need to do.
The last takeaway for me on friendships that I really wanna leave you with as well, because I think this one is so important and that is to ask for help. If you want to deepen your friendships, you have to let someone help you. Whether it's picking something up from the store for you, taking your kid to school or practice helping you with something around the house or teaching you something.
Friendship and all relationships really are about giving. And receiving, and I see so often women who are uncomfortable with receiving help. We are conditioned or socialized to do so much on our own to be hyper independent in a way, and that actually makes it hard to develop deep relationships with other people.
Creating this kind of relationship is about setting that expectation that I am happy to give and I am also happy to receive.
So if you happen to be in a friendship where maybe this is not the norm, it might feel uncomfortable at first. I think the best way to start is to start by asking. Think of a small favor. You can ask the next time. You could do something on your own, but it would be so much easier if someone else could help you out in that moment.
Ask. , and it's okay if they say no. Just the asking is enough. And also offering your help and support this weekend. One of my son's friend's, mom. Told me as we were leaving his soccer game that if we ever need help getting him to a game, because we have two other kids who are also playing soccer, and oftentimes their schedules overlap.
She said, we have room in our car for him. We would be happy to help. No problem. She said, just ask. She actually has younger kids, so my youngest is friends with her oldest, so her younger two are not yet into extracurriculars .
And she even acknowledged that, she said, I know that probably someday we will be in the same boat as you, where we have three kids who are all involved in activities and there's only two of us and it's gonna be really hard. And she said, I'm gonna hope that someone at that point will be able to support me in that season of life.
But right now I have the capacity to support you, so please just ask. I get tears in my eyes just sharing that story with you because I think we could do more of that and I think it would be so easy for me to just say. Thanks, that's so nice. Or I appreciate that offer and not actually take her up on it.
And I think one of the best things that I could do for our friendship is to take her up on that when I need it, when it would be helpful, because I can't be in three places at once, or my husband and I can't be in three places at once. And so yes, friendship is about.
Texting with our friends or grabbing coffee or remembering their birthdays and just generally having experiences together. But it is also about support. It is about giving and receiving, and so I wanted to leave you with this one to not be afraid to ask for help and to accept it, and then to give it and really mean it.
Those are the kinds of relationships I know that I want. When I think about deep friendships is people that I can trust and count on to help me, and I hope that they feel the same way about me as their friend.
Okay, so as we wrap up, let me just run through those five again. I hope this was fun and got the wheels turning for you. As you think about friendships, first, set your friendship goal for this season in life. Second, commit to showing up. Mark those birthdays, those milestones, those events in your calendar, and decide now how you want to honor them.
Automate things. Set reminders to check in with your friends or to have a phone call or to see each other on a regular basis. Don't forget, put it on your calendar. Number four, double dip. Go do things together that you would already be doing. Just bring a friend along. And lastly, ask for help. Allow your friends to support you by asking for small favors when you need them, and also giving those in return.
All right. The book again that I mentioned, if you wanna check it out,
is called Modern Friendship by Anna Goldfarb. If you liked this episode, if you also have a goal of friendship right now, I would love to hear from you. Let me know. Send me a DM on Instagram. I'm @MotherNurture, or send me an email. I always love hearing when these episodes resonate with you. And lastly, I will let you know that I do have two coaching spots open for this fall.
So if you are. Wanting the support, not just to triage your current life so you can
Get out of survival mode, and then focus your attention on those things that have been sitting on the back burner, like friendship or your health or your marriage, or anything else in your life.
You can learn more about coaching with me by submitting a quick application over at themothernurture.com/application. I would love to hear from you and talk about what this could look like in your life. All right, I'm gonna go clear my nose and I will hopefully talk to you in a much better place next week on the episode.
Until then, take care.
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