Episode 51: Is It True… Or Just Something You Always Say?
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How often do you catch yourself saying, “I'm busy," "I'm tired," or "I don’t know”? Those little phrases might seem insignificant in the moment, but they can be silently impacting what you're capable of as a working mom. In this episode, you'll hear a real story from a client who caught herself habitually saying one of these phrases, learn to recognize your own default responses, and walk away with simple shifts to help you trust yourself more—in the office, at home, and everywhere in between.
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📍 You are listening to the Life Coach for Working Moms podcast, the show where we are talking about what it actually takes to make life work as a working mom. I'm your host, Katelyn Denning, a full time working mom of three and a certified life and executive coach. I'm so glad you're here and I hope you enjoy this week's episode.
Hey, welcome back to another episode of the podcast. Today I wanna talk not about schedules or calendars and to-do lists and managing work and life, but something that if we take a step back, I. Has a big impact on all of those things, on how we navigate and manage the different responsibilities that we have at home with our families, in our relationships at work and our professional career.
And that is the power of our words. So if you're like, whoa. Is this a affirmation, mantra, manifestation kind of an episode? It is not. Trust me, I'm gonna talk about that in a minute. But this is about literally the power of the words that you speak to yourself, to your kids, or the words that you think.
I remember when I first learned about mantras and affirmations, I was probably, I think I was probably in college, maybe. I know it was not something that was talked about or that was introduced to me as a kid. We could have a whole separate conversation about my thoughts and a chat about my thoughts on mantras and affirmations.
I know that. So many people love them and find value in that, and there are certainly use cases for them. But in coaching, I give my clients tools that support repeating thoughts and using words that are believable, thoughts that create growth and are stretchy, but still believable, not just pie in the sky wishes.
But I will say I have never been more aware of the power of words than I have since becoming a parent. First of all, kids take things. So literally it makes sense that they do that, right? they're learning, they're figuring out vocabulary and what things mean and in the greater context, how all this fits together, and phrases or idioms
or an exaggerations or just being ironic, right? That's all lost on them, especially in the early years of language development. I'm thinking of one time when my husband was. Being flirty with me and said something like, you look hot today. And one of my kids was like, oh, you're hot, mom.
Do you need some ice? Can I get you a fan? Right. They just, they take it literally.
And so we have to be mindful of that and really, truly say what we mean or be willing to describe, right? What does you look hot today actually mean in this context? I think a lot about Dr. Becky. You all know I love Dr. Becky and using words. To describe how our kids are feeling, to help them learn to name their feelings, to acknowledge them, to really understand them.
You're angry right now, or I can see you're sad, or you're really frustrated that you can't get the cap back on that marker. And how powerful it is to give them those tools from the time that they're young. To really have the words to name and express what they're feeling or to name and express what they're seeing.
I think too, as a parent, a lot about how I talk about my appearance, my body, how I talk about food and calories in front of my kids. I grew up probably like many of you. In diet culture and wow, do those thoughts run deep? They run deep. They were everywhere as we were growing up, that was the world that we lived in.
And while I have worked for years as an adult, to not think that I have to earn my dessert or I don't need to eat to be skinny or burn calories to, , be able to enjoy this meal out. I am definitely conscious of and aware of not sharing any of those thoughts that still from time to time slip through.
I don't share those out loud, and I'm especially mindful of that in front of my daughter, but for all of my kids, what is it that they say something along the lines of your words as a parent.
The things that you say as a parent, the things that you repeat to your kids become their inner voice or their inner dialogue. It feels so important to instill in them an inner voice that will help them get through tough times or remind them of who they are and what they're capable of. Right things that we say to them like, you are strong, you are capable, you are so loved.
You are kind and caring. You listen to yourself. A million other reminders that we can share, and I'm not gonna lie it, it's pressure. It's a lot to be mindful of what we're saying and how we're saying and what our kids are hearing. To be intentional with our words and to not slip and say the wrong thing.
But I mean, let's be honest, we are human. We are going to do that. And what helps me is to think about being mindful and conscious of my words or intentional with my words. More than not, I'm not gonna be perfect at it, but more intentional words than unintentional words. As parents, we do so much for our kids.
This comes up all of the time. When we think about all of the ways that we anticipate our kids' needs, we are always thinking about them and worrying about them and wanting them to feel supported and are we doing enough? Are we raising them to be the kinds of humans that we want to see in this world? But like so many things, like my client who just earlier today was sharing how it's so hard for her to remember to feed herself with a young baby at home.
We put the needs of our kid first and we come last. And similarly, have you ever stopped to think about the words that you say to yourself? You likely think about the words that you choose when talking to your kids, but do you think about the words that you choose when talking to yourself? I wanna tell you a really cool story about a client of mine who had one of the biggest realizations that I can remember as a coach, all because of words and word choice I.
One of my responsibilities as your coach is to listen. I mean, I think it's implied in my title Coach. I, I need to listen, but to really listen and observe and in observing to then share back the reflections of what I notice to offer those to you to see if. You notice that as well. Have you ever noticed that you do this or I see in your body language why, or your tone there doesn't quite match what you are saying Now?
After a couple of sessions with this client, I noticed right away that her throwaway phrase was, I don't know. It almost took the place of a verbal filler, um, like right where she would round out a statement, a story, or a question and just say, I don't know.
Do you know what I mean? Is that's an actual question for you. That's not a throwaway phrase. Do you know what I mean? She would just say, finish whatever she was saying, and then be like, I dunno. I shared that reflection with her. Did you notice that you say, I don't know, quite a bit. Did you notice that too?
And she had no clue. She had no clue that those words were really coming out of her mouth at all, let alone the frequency at which I was hearing them. And it planted a seed for her. She left that session, came back a couple of weeks later to our next one and said, I had no idea how often. I say, I don't know.
I say it all the time. And so we got to be really curious about this phrase. Why? What about saying, I don't know, is potentially having an impact on her belief about what she does know and doesn't know? Is that really true that you don't know? It true that you don't know, or is it. You just don't have enough information right now to be able to know or make a decision.
Is it that you need some time to think about it? Is it that you're looking for validation or feedback in the moment from whoever you're talking to?
Or is it that you do know but you don't feel ready to voice it out loud? Maybe you do know and you just don't quite trust yourself. Is that right? They're second guessing in doubt. Now, this client had been living, I would say, kind of passively at work, doing a lot of reacting to fires and feedback and other people's priorities instead of leading.
At home, staying with how things were instead of changing them in her relationship, feeling a certain way, but not wanting to say anything out loud or rock the boat. When she started noticing all of the times where she said, I don't know. And then slowly started to challenge herself on, is that really true?
That, I don't know. It changed so much because a lot of the time it wasn't actually true that she didn't know. But saying it as frequently as she did, she subconsciously started to believe it. She started to adopt it as true that she didn't know, but again, as she became more aware of it and started to challenge that thought, because news flash, she can only challenge a thought when you actually know that you're having it.
She realized that a lot of the times she did know the answer and she was able to say it or state it. And that made her feel more confident in her decisions. She started trusting herself more because she was making more decisions and she made them faster, or she was able to more quickly get the information she needed to be able to decide because she told herself, I actually am missing a critical piece of information here.
I can't decide. It's not that I don't know. It's that I don't have what I need. Noticing that short throwaway, habitual phrase made such a difference for her, and what I love about a change like this is that it wasn't something that she had to figure out how to fit into her schedule. It wasn't something else that she had to add into her days.
It was simply noticing how frequently she said those words to herself, and then taking a stand and opting to make a shift toward a throwaway phrase that maybe you still feel like you need sometimes to verbally fill that was more accurate to what she actually was feeling to own.
She needed more information or to remind herself that she actually does know best. It's not that she doesn't know, she does know.
Maybe you're listening and wondering if there's a phrase like this that you say without even recognizing it. I would challenge you to listen to be more aware of what you say. Or if you're brave enough, ask your partner or a friend or someone who's around you a lot. Is there anything that you notice? I always say without really meaning it.
I'll give you some examples. Mine from years ago when my kids were babies. My auto response, it was so habitual, was I'm tired. In the beginning, I was tired a lot. My kids were not good sleepers. I was truly tired. That was true, but because I said it so often when they were young, it carried over.
And then when I was actually not that tired anymore because. My kids did start to sleep a little bit better. I still said it and perpetuated that belief. Another one that we hear all the time in moms and working moms, but just in our society in general is I'm busy, right?
How have you been lately? Oh, I've been busy. It's a badge of honor. It's just so normalized. I love to challenge that one. Is it really true that you are so busy? One that I do hear so frequently from working moms is I don't have time. I don't have time. Sometimes it's true, sometimes it might actually be true, but sometimes it might just be your default response and it's not actually how you feel.
These phrases do become a habit, and we think that they're just throw away phrases or verbal fillers and they don't really mean anything. But there's a part of you that's listening, just like my client, who was slowly eroding away her agency and her confidence in her ability to make decisions. Are you reinforcing that you're tired or you're busy or you don't have time?
Because that's what you hear. It's what you're telling yourself over and over again. And just like our kids who will likely hear the words we say as their inner dialogue, as they grow up, your words have power.
Are you aware of what you're saying and are you choosing your words intentionally? I always say that it's so hard to read the label from inside the bottle. I love that phrase. It's so true, and it can be hard to look for and listen for the things that we do so habitually that we don't even notice it. We don't even see it.
We don't even hear it. That's what I love about coaching, being able to shine a light and call attention to the things that you can't see yourself or can't notice yourself. If you'd like my help, not just with your schedule and your work life balance as a working mom, but on identifying the patterns and the habits that are doing you no favors.
You can head to themothernurture.com/application to learn more about working together, you'll answer a few short questions on that page so that I can then be in touch with whether or not I think this could be a good fit. 📍
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I'm so grateful that you're here and until the next episode, I hope you take care. Talk soon.
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